The Division of Truth


From one moment to the next our lives can take an unexpected turn. We never know when our lives may come to an end or we might experience the sudden loss of a loved one. Sometimes we take for granted our family relationships and forget to share loving acts or words to our loved ones because we see them every day. Some of us overuse our expressions of love so even those expressions can become mundane. Then sometimes life gives us so much on our plate that we have periods of time that we can't express love easily because we may be in pain or suffering some emotional or mental burden.

These are life's trials most of us go through. Patience, forgiveness and a good relationship with God and prayer will help support our loved ones who aren't able to express their love and to help us remember to keep on loving no matter the trials we bring on ourselves or God gives us. Still, sometimes our love is rejected and continues to be rejected and those relationships come to an end. Faith is very important to have and hold on to at those times.

As I mentioned in the last articles in this section, I started the School of Being in 2009 and students helped in donations to buy a 40-acre piece of property for the school and horses that would be a part of the school experience. By July I had held four sessions where students would attend a week session and more if they wanted to stay. I spoke of Helen, the Estonian student who attended my first session who came again to this fourth class and how she and my husband Kim were spending time together instead of her attending class. Then, the day when I asked my husband to take over a class session the discussion at class turned to my psychology and how unbalanced I was. Both came to me at separate times after class to console me in a very patronizing way. Since my husband had not shown any compassion towards me in far too many months, It felt very patronizing and fake, for I knew neither one cared. It was more about their proving me unbalanced.  Some of my students came to me in private after the class and informed me that there had been this discussion of me about how overworked and unbalanced I had become.

By the end of July, most of the students had left, except the Estonian and the Danish women Kim knew from Denmark. Our youngest daughter had long broken off with her boyfriend, having picked up with a Russian student, but he was still living with us because he had no place to go. One evening something unexpected happened. His family was driving through Virginia and he had an opportunity to meet up with them and ride back to his family’s home. He at first didn’t want to go and turned down the offer. But later that evening they called again offering to meet him, and our friend living in Arlington said she would drive him to meet them on the coast. It was a godsend because he needed to go since he was no longer my daughter’s boyfriend and she was openly having a relationship over the internet in front of him with the Russian man she met at the Lourdes conference.

I was out of the loop of all these discussions and offers from this young man's family and did not hear of anything until 15 minutes before he was to leave when my daughter came to me and told me he was leaving for good. For some reason I was heartbroken. He was such a sweet boy, and so kind to our daughter, even though she treated him especially cruelly. But I knew he needed to get back to his home and start anew. He was not very much help around the property, as it turned out, and it was just an added expense for us to take care of him and his needs. For some reason, after hearing this news I started crying and couldn’t stop.

Yet I knew that my sorrow was not just about his leaving; I knew that this was momentous as I could not stop crying and felt so heartsick. This was too strong a sorrow and sobbing just for this boy I had only known a few months. Within hours I had my answer as to why I was so sorrowful with this news. His leaving was a sign to me of some other bigger change that was going to hurt my heart.  This boy’s leaving was the sign I knew in my inner being, the sign that his sudden leaving would be the forerunner of my husband's sudden leaving as well. My known world would be irrevocably changed and there was no turning back—it was done. The wheels had finally turned to my childhood’s worst nightmare, being condemned and judged by the very ones I thought loved me. I would awaken to a new world the next day, as this young man heralded out the old.

The Dawn of A New Day
My husband never came to bed that night. When I found him he told me he had stayed up most of the night talking with Helen and that they had a spiritual connection and a higher oneness. We didn't talk long. I instantly knew our marriage was ended although he said they had no plans or knew where it would take them. When I heard him speak about the higher oneness he had found with another woman, a oneness he did not have with me, a door began to open up to expose a hidden consciousness held in the dark recesses of man’s mind where demons control the thoughts. What unfolded in the days after his announcement, and in the year that followed, transformed me to the core of my Being. 

What I had begun to see emerging overtly in my husband that July morning and would continue in the months and years ahead, much to my outer disbelief, was not Christ-like. Where I once believed my husband was a decent man who was loving and kind, truthful and righteous, patient and forgiving, what followed thereafter was not any of those attributes. A new man emerged. This man was openly selfish, egotistical, mean and greedy. He began, and in truth had already begun for many months, displaying anger, accusations, aggression, argumentation, and apathy. Although I had seen it appear occasionally over the last year, I had ignored it, rather choosing to hold the image I had always held of him being very Christ-like. This changed man then began aggressively using mental suggestions in every word he spoke to me thereafter, reflecting anything and everything I said back at me while projecting that I was the one who was angry, aggressive, accusatory, argumentative, arrogant and unwilling or unable to hear the truth from him. He seemed completely controlled by his human desires and ignorance.

Yet throughout all these new personality appearances, he maintained he was of the highest purity because he witnessed "pure awareness" in his earlier inner vision where he surmised that there was no evil on earth that was wrong or punishable. They were only acts created by the separate self that this "Conscious You" created to experience life in form. He also saw himself as pure because he saw no evil and prided himself on being non-attached to the actions of others. People could have any experience they wanted, he said, and consequently, there was no wrong as the Conscious You was not the wrongdoer here, but the separate self. This Conscious You always remains pure and untouched by anything the lower self does.

I was not unaffected. Holding him in high esteem I succumbed to his mental aggression because both of us could not be right. Either he was lying to and about me or he was seeing something that I was too blind to see about myself. If that were true, then all of my past as a teacher, healer, and mother was not balanced or of any good. There was no part good. All of my work was for naught because all was a lie. I had been duped and I was too ignorant to see what everyone else around me could see.

Are Masculine Traits Exclusive to Men And Feminine Traits Exclusive to Women?
Later that morning, after breaking the news to me about his higher oneness, my husband took his Danish friend to the airport for her return trip home. He returned steeped in the energy of pride as he stood before me with his hands on his hips and his legs spread apart and said emphatically, “I am the man around here!” I could have laughed or cried, but I did neither. This man was my husband who had just told me I was the one with the problem. Then and there I knew there could be no reconciliation between us. Here stood a man who believed that masculinity had no part in a woman and never would. He told me, "as of this day I am taking back my masculinity!", as if I had ever taken it away from him to begin with!

Later I found out that his Danish friend, ironically named "Joy" was in the total belief that women were to be submissive to men and should have no masculine traits. She wrote me two letters a day apart to speak on Kim's behalf defending his actions and chastising me for mine. She said that I was too quick to make decisions and making the decision to divorce in two days was one of those examples. It just so happened that I "knew" this was inevitable and was not my decision. Yet Kim wanted the whole community to believe that divorce was never on his mind. However, in subsequent letters to the community and at his deposition three different versions of his realization that our relationship was ending were presented. In one public letter he wrote six months later he revealed he had decided he wanted a divorce in March, five months before we separated. He just got the inner direction to wait and see what unfolded instead of talking to me.

So Joy was completely wrong but skewed to her way of thinking because Kim encouraged others to believe that I wanted and asked for the divorce. He wanted me to ask and have it not come from him and I took the bait because I knew he wanted the divorce. And subsequent comments verified that what I knew was correct. Joy also spoke of the better loving way to have acted was for me to congratulate the happy couple and to step aside as the wife and even make room on our property where they could live together and raise their children together. Helen was supposed to become a teacher in my school while living on the property and I was to rejoice in that as well. This viewpoint in my thinking seemed mentally imbalanced. No new couple is going to want to live in the same place as the former spouse is living. Nor would any sound, healthy spouse want to be around the new "happy" couple.

In regards to my masculinity, according to Joy what she extolled was a feminine woman. She then proceeded to tell me what a feminine woman was:  "the tender gentle qualities of the soft heart, that is not weak, but strong - a well orderly, organized home, healthy meals and a feminine appearance and most especially the inner quality of softness, openmindedness, and kindness." Since I was a health enthusiastic from my youth I was already preparing healthy meals for my husband. Instead, my husband chastised me for serving him so much broccoli and only praised my meals when I made them like his monther's with meat and gravy. Healthy meals were not the way to my husband's heart.  In regards to softness and kindness, I have such a sensitive heart that I had to try and protect myself from going to deeply into other's pain and sorrows for I would feel it to the degree that I could not hold back the tears as I suffered for their pain. The school and all I did was from the kindness in my heart to help people heal from the human foibles we can get caught in and suffer the consequences because we don't understand why we do what we do. I wanted to help people see inside themselves what divided them from being true to themselves and God.

Are Outer Appearances So Important?
So what was my real problem? Because I was always so devoted to helping others I did not focus on myself. I did not continue to dress in feminine attire as I did when I was younger. I began to dress comfortably so it would not interfere with my work. If I tried to do something I liked for myself with my style of clothes or hair, Kim would often comment that he did not like it. He did not like short haircuts on women (as my first husband did not either) and wanted me to dye my hair blonde. I was at the age where short haircuts enhanced my appearance and was easy to maintain and at that time I felt it was an insult for my husband to ask me to dye my hair. My natural color as a youth was blonde, but I had the genes that when I reached childbearing age my hair coloring naturally darkened. Would I go with the flow of nature or attempt to meet an image my husband wanted me to appear as? Would I continue to dress and look the way the men in my life wanted me to look or accept my own desires on what I felt was right for me? Would I try to appear younger than I was because my husband did not like I was losing my youthful appearance? And the real question, does my husband love me for my appearance or for who I really am?

Yet what was the real problem behind the need in certain outer appearances? Men and women know that the tendency for men is to feel more powerful and masculine when they have a beautiful woman by their side. Other men will look upon the man who has the beautiful woman as the victor because he had something the other men may lack in order to win the woman. Yet, is a man comfortable with a woman by his side who for instance is the President of the United States and beautiful?

I loved the television series "Commander in Chief" starring Geena Davis. Not only was she beautiful, but her role always made decisions that turned out to be good ones. She was married and her husband had to deal with her higher status, a difficult one for sure because women are not to command their husbands but the husband commands the woman according to the Bible. The show presented a lot of good morals and how to have a loving relationship with your family and spouse while dealing with the conflicts that would arise with an extremely busy role of commander in chief, and juggling the roles. You also learned the difficulties of being in politics and how ruthless it can be. I definitely came away with more compassion with anyone who would step into those shoes.

The show did not make it for long. It was number one until American Idol took that position and then a crime show Criminal Minds. Americans got bored with the male-female challenges and instead looked for the new heroes of this age, youth who would rise to fame and fortune through singing. American Idol stayed on the scene for 15 seasons. Commander in Chief only made it through one fall and winter before it was canceled.

Does God Want Women to be Submissive to Men?
Joy was presenting to me that married women should be submissive wives to their husbands. I have already presented here that I believed God was at the helm and I had many graphic dreams where God was in the driver's seat. Sometimes I was and things were going badly, I was either lost in a fog or my vehicle was sliding backward down a hill. But with God in the driver's seat, whom I could never see but yet knew it was God the Father, I learned to trust and let go. I certainly honored my husband's wisdom and respected him highly, but I did not forego my relationship with God the Father and this he could not tolerate without difficulty in his sense of worth and what it meant to his masculinity. Yet we cannot discount the Biblical teachings when woman was created to be a companion for the man.

Ephesians 5:22-24 says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."  Whether Christian women today except that role is not so clear. Women in the past whose main responsibility was to the family seemed better able to accept her husband's wisdom and knowledge as superior to her own. Today's married women mostly go out and provide for the family as well, plus raise their children, keep house and attend to all the duties married women had before the wide acceptance of working wives and mothers.

Common Needs in Personal Romantic Relationships
Looking at what supposedly men want in a relationship with a woman and what woman want in a relationship with their man, they are similar yet different in that if the following is true men appear needy compared to what women want. The following is a list of what men feel is their priority needs in a wife:

  • Self-confidence in his personhood as a man
  • To be listened to
  • Companionship
  • To be needed

From my perspective, I agree entirely. Although I could not fulfill these needs because I was restricted by the qualifications that were put upon me. Rather than openly talking to me my husband's requirement was that I was to ask him questions so he wouldn't have to volunteer information about himself or knowledge he came up without my probing. He did not want to help me with my interests and spiritual pursuits in life and would often just silently walk away from me if I started something he had no interest in. I would join him in things he liked to do even if it wasn't my favorite, but it was not reciprocated. Companionship was limited because our interests and work kept us very focused on our missions. He appeared to not believe I had confidence in his manhood or skills if I did not continually praise him for what he accomplished. On the contrary, I was constantly extolling his skills and talents to others, but holding back from stating so directly to him if I sensed he was fishing for it. He already had so much praise from others and I knew too much of a good thing could actually harm him as we all can be harmed from the temptation of going the way of pride and a sense of superiority.

Yet what do women want and need?

  • Moral Integrity: Open communication, honesty, trustworthiness, self-responsibility.
  • Relational Sensitivity: Receiving kindness, patience, understanding, empathy, and compassion.
  • Friendship
  • Emotional Maturity
  • Support

It appears that men want and need their wives to enhance their person and self-esteem and women want more of the emotional connection that includes trust and understanding but more than companionship, they want a friendship with an integral person who is emotionally mature.

I wanted and needed honesty and open communication, friendship and some kind of emotional or empathic support. Honesty from my husband went out the window and maybe was never there in its entirety from the beginning and definitely in the last years altogether gone, and along with it was open communication and support, empathy and all the things I held dear to a good friendship. My faith and trust in my husband's wisdom began to deteriorate when he began his "Ask Jesus" website and began giving me not only wrong advice but very distorted opinions about who he thought I really was and not who I am. I was not afraid of seeing my mistakes and consequently always asked God to point them out to me. Yet if you have projected upon you images and projections that come from someone's false images and ideas you are not obligated to accept them, even if that one giving them to you is your husband. Would a wife seek out their husband's advice if they knew their husband did not hold them in high esteem or thought of them as a "wounded" individual who could not see their wounds? Yet he expected that I would and should as his wisdom (in seeing my faults that I was blind to see) was what I needed.

I mentioned in a previous article that before we got married we exchanged handwritten letters where we actually told each other what we wanted and expected from our inner and outer masculine and feminine selves, but neither of us really heard or understand the other in what they were saying. I wrote that I cannot tolerate being stronger than my partner as then I am in the position of being more like father and my spouse more the mother, which happened in my first marriage. I also wrote that I had been too masculine in my relationships but had relationships where I felt what it was like to be a woman around a total man. The words were flowing through me so fast I could barely get them written and I told him that to let him know that this was not just from me but something beyond me that wanted me to express these thoughts right then and there to this practically total stranger.

The response back to me was apologetic and he stated he wrote too hastily and on impulse and he did not like to do that and it was out of character for him. This was true as I noted in our years together. Decision making was not easy for him and when I was not involved it could take a long time. His letter explained he knew he had this illogical dream of a perfect love relationship and image and he was trying to break it and be more realistic. He was married and explained what he and his wife had done to each other projecting their images of what they wanted onto the other person. Unfortunately for me, this pattern continued after we were married even though he realized it was an ungodly pattern to have.

He stated he was not looking for the perfect partner but a partner he could grow spiritually together with. This partner must be a woman who embodies the Omega flame, he said, because he was already so much Alpha already and then he followed that with he had been praying to embody the Alpha flame to be the magnet to attract the right Omega. He said that the right Omega is known when there is a feeling of oneness at the soul level. Since he already felt he was so much Alpha but had to pray to embody that Alpha to attract the right Omega, what was he really saying? I believe he was saying he believed he was Alpha/masculine but he was not able to be it. And that is what I experienced in my marriage with him and it never changed.

Who Is Right?
This is not to say that I was always right. I was not, as these articles prove. And my purpose here is to share what I went through to help others to see how easily we can believe one religion or spiritual doctrine over another's. There is a reason that there are tens of thousands of Christian denominations. Christians interpret the New Testament in many distinct and differing ways. One slight disagreement on what Jesus meant and a group will separate off to form around their own interpretation. Yet I believe that whatever we do choose to believe we should do so with our heart and soul. Besides that, we should keep our hearts and minds open to God at the helm, where in answer to our prayers He will always lead us the way to go—even if it means down the wrong spiritual path or married to the wrong person or someone we believe is not on the same path as ourselves.

I believed from Kim's letters that he was a strong masculine and I explicitly let him know I needed a strong masculine because of my strong masculine independent traits. I was divinely led to write him this and that was why I wrote the letter twice to him, tearing up the first and rewriting it in the manner I did. It was important for the future when I would later understand seeing what I wrote to him that I had not misled him at all and was actually encouraging him from not pursuing me. Yet his mind appeared to be already made up because he believed the vision he received where I appeared to be this "perfect woman" who he had dreamed of having oneness with that he believed he did not have in his first marriage.

I saw and experienced that Kim did not want my input in his new interpretation on the spiritual path. He did want Helen's and he quickly "dumped" me once he knew he had Helen, which he dreamed of doing for two years after he first met her. They went on to take dictations together, write books together, travel together to religious sites to do spiritual work and sometimes write articles together. Why would he not allow me to share in all his endeavors as he later went on to do with his next perfect Omega? Because we were not on the same page. We both believed we were when we met because we both belonged to the same church. Yet that did not mean that we both believed the same concepts and the spiritual path we both followed. Just like the hundreds and sometimes thousands of divisions in some of the major Christian denominations, we both followed the same teachers but we did not see or understand their teachings in the same way.

When we both began teaching our divisions really began. I believed the Holy Spirit was guiding me and even speaking through when I lectured or wrote. I am sure Kim believed the same or he would not have claimed Jesus was speaking through him. I do put my heart and soul into what I believe and I certainly did with the Ascended Master teachings. Yet as quickly as I saw the hidden discrepancies and lies under the surface I quickly left it all behind to begin again and rebuild my foundation of spiritual truths and find where the separation from the Christian foundations began. As Kim and I both progressed in teaching I was led to teach on the soul and Being, which I believed meant how to Be like Christ and God. Kim was beginning his new ideas such as that the soul was a creation of the Conscious You and was meant to die.

Finally, upon his determination to leave our marriage, he felt secure enough in Helen's praises and acceptance of his new ideas that he could finally have the courage to point out my flaws and ignorance and inability to accept the truth (his) even when it was squarely in front of my face, and he did so only because he knew that Helen was in the wings. He had done the same to his first wife after he felt secure in believing he had me in the wings. He wrote to me that he knew for six months their marriage was ended but had not told her. His point was to let me know I was not the cause of his wanting the divorce. Yet I was the cause of his acting on his decision, as Helen was the cause for his acting on our divorce. Since he knew five months before we separated he wanted a divorce, he claimed he was given the inner thought to wait and not act as things would unfold in time. That might have been nice for him but dishonest towards me, especially with our sharing the same marriage bed while he was wanting another woman in that bed with him. This is not only dishonest in my book, but selfish and unprincipled. And while Joy lectured me on that she was challenging me on my messengership because I claimed Kim lost his mantle of messengership, he was the one that stepped out of honor to not carry out his release from our marriage in a dignified manner that would honor our past together. Ironically, Kim's third marriage did not last either and they divorced and he remarried once again. Possibly, the dream of a perfect woman is still alluding him, but still a dream he appears to not have overcome.

Accepting Blame
So it was difficult upon hearing my husband claim his newfound oneness to have my friend and companion of twenty years putting this sudden degradation upon me, and even more so because our daughter who was living with us and was working with me in the school supported him and gave legitimacy to his claims. Joy, in her letters to me, as well as other students, mentioned to me how surprised they were to hear the way Melissa talked to me during the class sessions and challenged many of the things I said and taught. While they were surprised, I was actually led to allow her a certain status in the school because heaven guided me to do so. She abused that right but there was no way to stop her outside of barring her from the school. This was not my direction from heaven so I handled it the best I could without challenging her statements or arguing with her. While I knew this was her character the students were surprised at the disrespectful way she talked to me and that I allowed it. In truth, I did not allow it but that history is long and difficult to elaborate on and they were not in my school to learn about our relationship but about themselves. So it was no surprise she agreed and supported everything her father did as she saw me more as her enemy that opposed her will and freedom to do what she liked. While her father did not care or support her he also did not oppose or demand anything of her. So she acclimated to that type of parenting as ideal and worthy of her support.

As the days past after Kim's announcement to me, he began what I likened to as an attack upon my character. He implied I was ignorant and not as wise as he was in how to run my life to keep my equilibrium; and that I drew to me battles to fight, always looking for a crisis to assuage this dualistic approach to life.  But what he really wanted was to go off with this other woman, and he wanted to blame me for not being good enough during our marriage as the cause of his needing this horizontal oneness with Helen and the sudden unexpected decision to leave. He told me he had already given me plenty of warning but I had not listened or paid attention. I knew surely I was not that blind that if he had given me a hint of his displeasure any different than he had complained to me about in our firsts years of marriage I would have seriously demanded we communicate openly about what his feelings were. He rather wrote to the community after he left that he had tried for twenty years to help me and had no choice but to give up because I could not change.

Yet it is so interesting to read his words and try to understand what he was really saying:

I gave her 20 years of my life. I conformed to her need to be the dominant one in the relationship, her need to feel in control in order to uphold her fragile sense of equilibrium. I conformed to the image she needed to project upon me in order to feel she was in control of her life, and in so doing I toned down my true being. Despite what she feels a need to project in her current state of mind, I gave her unconditional love and kindness over and over and over again up until the present day.

Yet in all that time, SHE NEVER SAW ME. And I now know that it is for one reason only: She didn’t care to see me.

I offered her my gift again and again and again, hoping that one day she would see that by letting go of her need for control, she could not only see the real me, but also the real her. I saw that real her in a vision when we first met, and I felt a deep desire to see it unfold, and that is what kept me going until I truly felt the cycle had ended.

As for Lorraine, she kept projecting an image upon me, as she has done very forcefully in our most recent interactions—quite frankly trying to divide me in my own being so that I would continue to conform to her image.

What I realize as I am writing this is that over the past 20 years I gave myself to the best of my ability to Lorraine and to the consciousness that she represents. In all honesty—I have fulfilled my contract, even gone beyond what was required.

Here he had been projecting and holding an image of me (he claims he saw the real me), clearly stated above, and then he proceeds to claim that I never saw who he truly was and had been projecting my image upon him. What image he does not say for what I was supposed to truly be or what I was holding over him, yet as I have stated several times in these series that I held the image of his being the Christ. If that is wrong then all of us are wrong for holding the Christ image for our brothers and sisters on the path. That image does not demand anything or expect anything from someone. It is there in my heart and it allows me to forgive the 70 x 7 Christ asked us to do.

Ironically, my second husband claimed he too saw an image of me when we first met and I was not living up to that image either. I may go into this further in subsequent writings as it goes into this false image of what many men hold in their minds of what a "real" woman is and the ideal and perfect woman. Why these men caught that type of image of me when I never presented myself as anything but what I was I do not know. Kim knew I had been divorced had five children, moved to Montana on my own and supported myself. Yet if this image is important to understand and especially in connection with how men and women relate then it will be important to bring out the core cause of it.

So while Kim started the blaming game at first I did accept his blaming. I was ready to accept the blame because I believed his wisdom over mine. The same pattern I had held with the men at other times in my life, believing women had inferior wisdom to men. This wasn't a conscious choice, it came through me as a belief that I did not really believe at a conscious level yet I still acted as if it were true. And a lot of those ideas seemed to emerge from our Christian Bible and history since Adam and Eve. Eve was the "dumb" one who believed the lie of the Serpent.

The first day after my husband's announcement to me of his higher oneness with Helen I was hit so hard for the space of a few hours I fell into deep despair and I lost my reality. Like many abused wives, I took the abuse without a fight. I accepted his blaming as something I couldn’t understand, but I was willing to look at because I believed he was the wise one even though I was a teacher, a mother, a healer, and a community leader with a lot of spiritual knowledge and understanding. Yet as many women understand, we simply fall into the role of being less than a man when men tell us we are less in the many ways they tell us, and it turned out this was no exception.

Meanwhile, heaven was practically crying out to me, "Discern the truth! Do not fall yet again for the lies of the Conscious You!" I hadn’t understood what Kim had been trying to convey to me all the years we were together, that he wanted the fulfillment of his dream, his reality, which he believed was the highest wisdom of reality and oneness, but not oneness as I knew it. This oneness was a horizontal oneness. My husband had tried to attain this oneness with me from the beginning, first with our physical bodies, then with our communication. Having oneness is not wrong as long as that oneness does not usurp the first oneness, and that is with God. Seeking oneness on the physical level is taught in Scripture: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Yet God did not say to become exactly like the other person or to use that other person to make up for what you don't have.

The Hebrew word for oneness means to be united, unified together in taking action while leaving one's individual and unique identity intact. Oneness leaves room for there to be diversity within that unity. We can and should be different. Dr. Les Parrott, professor of psychology and an ordained Nazarene minister, along with his wife, Leslie who is a marriage and family therapist, are best selling authors and have written several books on marriage. They present this same understanding I came to with the appearance of seeking to find complete fulfillment through another human being: "If you try to build intimacy with another person before becoming whole on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself."

Not being fulfilled through this higher oneness physically my husband looked for me to fulfill him mentally. I did not need to be fulfilled horizontally through other human beings. My fulfillment came through oneness with God and then in that oneness of love were all the other loves of my life. In other words, I was whole through my relationship with heaven and God's love. With God's love, I was able to freely give love without expectations in how someone should love me or return my love. I began to realize my husband was not in this same wholeness with his relationship with God and he needed and expected fulfillment for his masculinity through a woman's adoration of him. In other words, God's love was not enough for him. He needed a woman's adoration of his wisdom and this was the higher oneness he said he never had with me but he had with Helen and his daughter. I looked to God for wisdom and put God's wisdom above any man's. This would have been the greatest insult a wife could do to him.


Continuing in: Awakening To Wisdom