Controlling the Mother Light

In the previous article, I shared how I was directed from my inner voice to become a messenger for the Ascended Masters and how shortly afterward I was given the direction we were to move to New York. Herein I will explain our first years as messengers and what happened between us and our community forming around us.

After we settled down in New York and six months after I became a messenger, I finally took my first dictations (messages from what I believed were ascended masters). Then my husband, Kim, took his first live dictation at a seminar in Montana with some former Summit Lighthouse students living in and around Glastonbury (the community that developed by around the Church).

Rosaries, Dictations and Translations
Driving back across the country from Montana to New York I opened up the conversation with my husband how could we promote ourselves to become better known by those interested in the teachings of the ascended masters. I suggested that since Mother Mary was a big draw to people in the Catholic Church through her apparitions and visitations, maybe we could ask Mother Mary to sponsor us to reach people. Then I encouraged him to try to make predictions in what was happening in the earth, although nothing came of that. Then, a few months later, Kim suddenly started publishing rosaries he claimed were from Mother Mary. I don’t know whether my suggestion spurred in him the idea but I do believe I was prompted from within to plant that seed within him.

After creating a website and publishing my dictations a Summit student from Russia contacted me and wanted to know if she could translate them. She was not interested in Kim's questions and answers, or his dictations, for some strange reason. She focused in on me, weekly writing to me. It was a strange relationship, as she spoke no English and I spoke no Russian, and so our emails must have been very interesting through translators.

My dictations also reached an Australian student who also began writing me almost daily at first. She, too, ignored Kim and focused entirely on me. She shared that she had been a messenger for the "masters" for a little group, but appeared to no longer be one. She delighted in "teaching" me how to be a messenger. Our relationship continued for about a year, as well as did the Russian student relationship.

Soon after Kim published his first rosary, a Keeper of the Flame and Summit Lighthouse student in Bogotá, Colombia, with a few other students, began translating every rosary Kim created. Consequently, a large group began to form in the Spanish speaking community thanks to these translations, as well as translations of my teachings I published on my website. I also had frequent weekly communication with the Colombian student heading up the translation group. She too was mostly interested more in me than Kim. Although she translated Kim's rosaries she spent most of her other translations exclusively on all my fist dictations and my lectures and articles. She eventually became a messenger for the Spanish group under my prompting, but did not continue. More on that possibly in another article.

Kim was at his computer writing Jesus answers or working on a new book every day except for when we were putting on a conference. He self-published at least two, sometimes three books per year. Consequently, we had books sales daily that we shipped usually from home. We also sold CDs and had a mailing list where we sent out dictations Kim took. Kim would frequently monitor his website activity and commented to me one day that he had ten thousand visitors a month to his "Ask Real Jesus" website of questions and answers. His website was definitely attractive and unique on the web, but thankfully it was only a few hundred people that became personal with us in those first years or it would have been impossible to accomplish what we did.

I wrote my first book in 2004, The Way. Most of it felt like it was dictated to me on the inner from several lmasters and I was given the name for it from the master identifying as the Great Divine Director: Know that I AM You. That title said to me that the "you" of ourselves was I AM, which correlated with the Summit teachings that our higher self was the I AM Presence. Yet a year later, my husband would say something different of who we were when he introduced the concept of the "Conscious" You.

So it was that Kim had his "following", mostly internet people with few who directly communicated with him, while I had many personal relationships with almost daily communications with people from several places around the world. Maybe they felt that communicating with a woman was better because they were women, but I began to notice that Kim was not really interested in "people" per se, or close relationships with people. He rarely answered their emails (receiving dozens a day for his Ask Jesus question and answer) and so I felt the responsibility of answering to those who addressed their emails to both he and myself.

Putting On Conferences
The first year people began asking when we would put on conferences, so I got together with a former Summit student who moved close to us in New York and we began looking for a nearby center to host a conference. That experience was interesting, as I discovered that if we told the potential host who we were they would back away from allowing us to use their conference facilities, especially if they were a church. Within a few days we found a non-denominational center that had a beautiful place in the country. So it was in July 2004, we put on our first official conference with thirty-five followers attending. From then on I arranged approximately four major conferences a year. The following year we held our first conference outside the U.S., in Bogotá, Colombia, and then we began holding at least one conference outside the U.S. for the rest of the time as messengers together.

We held conferences in Sweden, Britain, Germany, Ireland, and France. After our separation, I held conferences in Russia, Sweden, Mexico, Britain, Wales, Argentina, Spain and Ireland, plus many places around the U.S. yearly. We also were introduced to internet broadcasting by a student very savvy with computers and broadcasting. Colombia was our largest student attendance, with almost a hundred students. Russia also had almost a hundred students participating. While relying on our foreign students to arrange the local venue, transportation, meals, and lodging, I would take on all those arrangements for all the U.S. conferences. Most of those conferences I would do all the meal preparations myself, with assistance from volunteers. I always kept the conference fees as low as possible, charging well below $200 for a three or four-day attendance.

As I mentioned, Kim took all the dictations at the conferences. Once in a while he would give a lecture. At that first conference I was directed by the master "El Morya" to get up and give a talk on education. So I stood up and began talking. That set the precedence for all my experiences at our conferences. I never planned a lecture, I would be directed on some subject to talk about very close to conference time or sometime during after the conference began. Sometimes I did healing work with the conferees, other times I would tell them their God flames. I gave lectures on music, inner communication, altruism and many esoteric subjects with new insights I would receive just shortly before I would introduce them to the conferees.

Needless to say, my days were filled with contnuous email communications with our followers, planning conferences, writing articles and giving teachings, doing healing sessions and internet classes. I also formed and closed down several forums, and usually moderated them. After Kim published one of his books he formed the first forum we had to talk about his teachings, but after a few weeks he appeared to lose interest and appeared to abandon it. A student wrote me one day that several posters had taken over the forum and could I check it out. Previously, I had not been a part of the forum, but after seeing what these "spammers" were doing I knew you could not run a forum without constant vigilance. They were not promoting the usual sex and Viagra but appeared to be narcissists who were playing God and wanted to control spiritual groups. After conversing with them incognito I cleared them out and we began anew.

Yet another time, I had to shut down the forum and begin again when hackers took control. We often had an inner private section of the forum consisting of dedicated students who I knew personally so that we could have a place to communicate freely without the spammers or ego-controlled individuals with their personal agendas--and that was something that happened frequently from certain types of individuals who followed Kim's website. We had one student who became a part of the inner group and was also a moderator who turned out to be a fraud, chronic liar and energy vampire. This shook up many in our inner group who were duped by her. She stole people's time and energy by personally corresponding with them and trying to divide them from the rest of the group.

Drawing People with Agendas
Kim's philosophy was that people could do what they wanted with his teachings. This opened the door for many types of people to be drawn to our movement who were very self-inflated and ego-controlled. Some became followers who eventually attended conferences and/or I corresponded with frequently. Several had agendas of becoming messengers themselves or believed they were messengers in the past. Some were not psychologically sound, having bouts with mental institutions. Some appeared normal, kind, and outgoing but wanted to control Kim and his website or even carried hidden negative beliefs about women.

A couple of Middle Eastern-born men who found the Summit Lighthouse and lived in America took Kim's rosaries and began a rosary group online. In this case, it was like the men wanted to promote a new type of cosmic mother. They began mistreating the women in the group. After some women confessed to me what was going on I tried to enlighten Kim to moderate the public use of his rosaries and that these men had this hidden agenda. He reluctantly talked to the men, who he was great friends with, and quietly held a hidden animosity towards me for getting him involved. I began to see that promoting Mother Mary and these new rosaries for these men, as well as for Kim, was a way to attempt to control mother (and women). Kim had more power than these men because he was the creator of the rosaries. Therefore he could introduce concepts within them to promote a new philosophy under the guise of "this is the true self" and having the Divine Mother be responsible—or under her name make it the "true" and highest teachings.

Another man tried to get himself hired by Kim as his "Jesus" promoter. This man began making a video of Kim and his followers at our Ireland conference and then later proposed that for a salary of $45,000 a year from Shangra-la he would raise Kim's website on the Google ranks and make him famous and well known. Again, I stepped in and again Kim quietly held me accountable for interfering with his website and his work. We did not have $45,000 to pay this man so that avenue was not even a possibility, yet Kim most likely would have tried to work with this man in some way to get his website having a million hits a month, rather than its meager 10,000.

Thus Kim drew several individuals over the years who wanted to control him, beginning the first year with Lynn Monds who I mentioned in a previous article who wanted him to join her group. She also had a history of being in a mental institution. I had the Russian and Australian ladies who had their personal agendas as well. After a year I was prompted from within from the master called "Sanat Kumara" to encourage the Russian woman, Tatyana, to try to take a dictation from him. I felt her first message was real, but then she continued to take more dictations and they were not what I believed were messages from heaven. When I told her that, she rejected it and went off on her own basically telling me I lacked discernment, and took most of the Russian Shangra-la students with her since she had control of the translations and could tell them whatever she wanted without them having any input from me. She then began distributing daily dictations to all her followers. She continues as a messenger today in the vein of Kim, with creating over 40 rosaries, writing dozens of books and stating she was given the mantle of messenger for the Great White Brotherhood in 2004—the year she took her first dictation from "Sanat Kumara".

It appeared to me that this was heavenly orchestrated to bring out her true intentions with me, as well as her own hidden agenda to become a messenger herself, even possibly hidden from her outer mind as she publicly tells the story that she suddenly became messenger without any previous desire to be a messenger. It also could be for the drawing out all the people who appeared to follow anyone who called themselves a messenger and the lack of discernment in ascended master students in Russia, something I noticed beginning with the Summit Lighthouse dividing the students after Elizabeth's retirement and Katino's group that formed around her. Later she tried to get me to help edit her Russian dictations she had translated into English and accept her as a valid messenger being so sure I should support her. She really wanted to reach the English-speaking countries and proudly states today her dictations are translated into 20 languages. Within a few years she had a new home to live in, thereby acquiring a lot of money from her messengership.

Wealth from Messengership
Yet she was not the only one who acquired a lot of money. We had a student who had breast cancer. I did not know at the time that she refused her have her breast removed and thus the cancer metastasized to her bones. She and I had frequent contact and she came and visited us in New York with her husband and came to some of the early conferences. Her husband was not one of our followers but he supported her and loved her dearly. One day I discovered she was in the hospital and dying. She called me from the hospital and I prayed for her, but it was too late. She died within a few days. Then we were asked to officiate at her Wake by her husband. He also let us know she had left us an inheritance. After the funeral, we received a check in the mail for $20,000. I decided to give it to our non-profit, Shangra-la, and then not have to pay taxes on the income.

Kim usually let me make all the financial decisions because he had no expertise in that area. And it was a sound decision. That money never got touched until after our separation. In the years that followed, from our conference profits and book sales, and donations from some wealthy students who were followers of Kim's teachings, Shangra-la's profits continued to increase. Yet I only gave us a small income of $25,000 a year the entire seven years as messengers together. All our necessities of recording equipment and travel were paid for through Shangra-la, and we lived quite comfortability on our small salary, as we had no special hobbies or needs outside of our work as messengers.

Within a few more years another one of our followers, who I communicated with frequently, told me she did not want her daughter inheriting her assets. She lived in Glastonbury and had little to her name except for a stash of gold coins she had bought for the Church shelter cycle. One day she called me and told me she would like for us to have it. At the next conference, she attended she handed me a package that was quite heavy. It was the gold coins and when I got home and counted them there was $40,000 worth of coins. I gave them to Shangra-la as well.

Most of the messengers, Mark and Elizabeth Prophet, Guy and Edna Ballard, Monroe and Caroline Shearer, Debra McFadden, the Russian student, etc., that I have mentioned previously, also became wealthy. Some if them easily bought new and bigger homes for themselves and drew large incomes from their movements, and we were no exception. Except we did not buy our homes from Shangra-la's profits or take a large income. I bought our homes on my income and the profits I made from the sale of those homes, and we used those profits for buying the next home, all under the inner direction I received. Kim contributed to the profits from his carpentry and landscaping skills. He was frequently remodeling and enjoyed doing that work. Thus we always lived in decent homes that we steadily improved upon. The last home we did need help with buying, as it was a home and property for a school I started and did enlist the help of our students. I will speak more on that later.

Doubts About Validity
I also had doubts about Kim's methods of communication with other "masters" Kim claimed he worked with, especially Jesus. The process for Kim to "receive" the rosaries began with his sitting down and finding the right rhyming words to match the ideas that came to him. They were not delivered in a dictation format where he would close his eyes and start talking in a flow. That led me to believe that he made them up, but with the possibility that there was some kind of "overshadowing" of Mother Mary.

Another experience I had with his "Mother Mary" releases was in 2006. We were invited to put on a seminar in Miami Beach. The last day of the seminar we went to the southernmost point in Miami and he delivered a dictation from his Mother Mary. Afterward, he discovered that the dictation did not get recorded on his audio recorder. When he returned home he published that dictation, rewriting it from his memory. The dictation was approximately 4,000 words and it would have been astounding to remember that many words verbatim. Along with many other experiences, some I have previously mentioned, my faith in these releases of Kim's in that they were completely from the "masters" was being challenged.

Soon after the first release of these new rosaries, we began recording the rosaries together and then selling our recordings on CDs for people to give them along with us. That lasted for about seven different rosaries. Eventually, Kim recorded them on his own as I was too busy to make recordings with him. He created monthly vigils dedicated to a particular subject that all our followers were encouraged to give, requesting that everyone give the latest rosary daily for a month. The following month would be a new vigil with a new rosary and recording.

At around the same time, the rosaries came out I was inwardly guided not to give the Summit Lighthouse decrees anymore. It was not an inner voice that told me, it was just this inner 'knowing' as every time I tried to give my decrees I would feel this pull to stop. I loved giving the decrees, and my prayer time with the masters and angels, and most certainly did not want to give them up. Yet for a week this prompting continued until I realized I had to stop. There must be a divine reason, I believed. I tried to give Kim's rosaries, but they hurt my throat very much with their slow pace of giving them, and they did not inspire me or bring me closer to Mary and God. I also did not agree with many of the concepts he introduced supposedly from Mother Mary that we were encouraged to repeat daily that in effect worked as a subtle programming within vulnerable minds.

Restoring the Mother Light
Whether it was my inner prompting that led to my conversation to Kim about Mother Mary helping us that he started promoting Mother Mary and creating rosaries or it was from the real Mother Mary, but to me it appeared to be God’s will for some purpose not known to my conscious awareness. I went on faith that God and these "masters" were in charge. One of the main concepts Kim began promoting in those early years was the idea of restoring the Mother Light. This was a concept that I first heard in the Summit Lighthouse through Elizabeth Clare Prophet around the 1970's. The Mother Light is used in reference to the raising of the Kundalini in the base chakra. Whether Kim meant to use it with the same understanding as the Summit or not, it was easy to see in retrospect that he used many of the Summit Lighthouse's vernacular frequently in the first few years of his being a messenger, and then decreasingly so over the subsequent years and he introduced new words and new descriptions of who we really are, and made some words such as the "soul" almost anathema to believe in. He used the term "Mother Light" in almost two dozen dictations in 2005, and each year after the frequency was less so until by 2012 after we separated, he completely stopped using the term.

Thus at first it appeared Kim was a messenger for the same ascended masters as in previous dispensations, but subtle changes in vibration of his rosaries began to appear and some statements he claimed she made I was led by the Holy Spirit to challenge. He was never deterred but continued on his way only building upon these false concepts he claimed were Mother Mary’s releases. The divide was widening in our messengership and teachings, yet there continued an outward harmony between us due to our personalities in both being led to keep the peace, albeit because I was in peace with the Holy Spirit I believed was not only guiding me, but Kim as well, and Kim was prone not to speak out what his hidden thoughts.

I also held the vision that he was one with the Christ light. The first few months after we were married I began acting strangely towards Kim and uncharacteristically for me towards anyone. I felt depressed and inexplicably for no reason. Yet I was unexpectedly pregnant and it could have been due to the hormonal change and all the many stresses I experienced in such a short period from my move to Montana, several moves within Montana, new job, marriage, child-custody case, and pregnancy, that took a toll on my emotional well-being. Outwardly I could not complain with my husband's appearance of his felicity that first year together. No matter how I acted towards him he would continue to be kind and unconditionally loving, something I had never experienced from any person before, including my family. He never seemed to criticize anyone, was the first one to apologize, and never demanded his way.

It was like I was set-up from the beginning of our marriage to see him in a certain light and thus for twenty years I never wavered from that vision no matter what he did or said, that was all for a cosmic purpose. In truth, his felicity was a carryover from the unexpected inner vision he had of me one day at work as he walked by my desk a few weeks after we met. He too appeared to have been set up by seeing me as the fulfillment of the "perfect" woman he had dreamed of meeting in this life. And for a time his belief also kept him seeing me as someone I was not in order that he would present himself to me to be unconditionally loving and Christ-like.

Within a few years, though, he finally could not hold back his irritation with me any longer. At first, he did not want to believe that the dream of the perfect woman he thought he had finally found was not true and then he would have to face that his inner experience and vision of me were wrong. So one day he accused me of not loving him. He continued to believe his inner vision was real, but I was not living up to who I really was, the imaginative person he saw in a vision.

What was remarkable about that vision was that my second husband had almost the same experience. He told me that he saw from the faculty of his opened third eye my Christ or real self in my heart and he was waiting for that person to unfold. It was a critical judgment of me, and his way of telling me I was far-off the mark of perfection. He did not wait long to find out if I was to become this perfect Christ, as he left Florida to fulfill his dream of moving to California after his 10-year service contract was up at the hospital he worked at as a respiratory therapist. He would then begin to receive retirement benefits. We had only been married and year and we had separate households. He did not want to leave his bachelor apartment on the beach and I could not move in with him with two children. Yet was I the problem? Today he still carries anger towards me and was shocked that I filed for divorce when he deserted me a few weeks before our daughter was born. I became aware of that anger when he unleashed it on our daughter when she was old enough to visit him. Yet I could not help and see the coincidence of two husbands believing they saw the "real me" and thereby would not let me be who I am.

Preferring the Femme Fatale Seductress
Kim told me I was uncommunicative (something my second husband also accused me of after we divorced) and yet he could give me no examples. I assured him that I did love him but to no avail. A year later he sat me down and again accused me of not loving him. He was trying to articulate why without telling me what he really wanted and expected of me. After I began my healing courses and became more intuitive, I had a knowing experience during one of my practice sessions on him where I saw two different women of his desires. One was an angelic pure woman and one was a woman akin to what the Great Whore of Revelations relates to.

According to the teachings from the ascended masters, the Great Whore is many things. She is communism, the anti-Community of church and state, and institutions of false religion East and West. She is also the misqualification of the pure white light of the Mother. In other words, the misqualification of the Mother Light in the base chakra by the people who have forsaken the true image of the Mother and erected in her place the Great Whore and the lusts of Babylon the Great.

What I was given was the instant knowing (through claircognizance) that my husband preferred the type of woman that appeared to be this angelic woman with the pure white light of the Mother, but in reality was an illusion appearing only on the outside to be so, but on the inside was a harlot. Thus the perfect woman was outwardly kind, beautiful to look at, feminine in every way, including having the art of manipulating men and making him appear more superior than he is. This would appear in their dialog between the woman and her man as the woman adoringly listens to her superior man of wisdom, asking him questions and encouraging him to speak of his accomplishments and superiority without him having to do so outside of her questioning him.

The Summit Lighthouse used the term for this harlot as the "fallen woman" epitomized in Tennyson's story “Merlin and Vivien” in Idylls of the King. Vivien’s character is a femme fatales who controls her own sexuality. These femme fatales/Great Whore fallen women create a deceiving facade of innocence, pretending to be an ideal angelic figure within the home with the characteristics of being sweet, innocent, tender, and pure. More importantly, these women appear to be of the utmost trustworthiness and are of no threat to men’s power. The innocence they appear to possess hides their true identities and intentions. Being in control of their sexuality they channel their sexual advances and trickery with men for personal gain and power through conniving ploys, which are meant to appear naive and ignorant. 

On the exterior, Vivien tries to appear vulnerable and naive in order to gain trust—sometimes pity from Merlin. This pity is an important ploy of the Great Whore woman. If she can get the man to pity her she has him trapped. Unfortunately, for Vivien's character, it did not catch Merlin. Within the court, Vivien continually lowers herself and pretends to put the hierarchy on a pedestal. Vivien cannot seem to reach Merlin on an emotional level to gain his power, so she resorts to using sex, which is her ultimate source of power and manipulation, eventually trapping Merlin forever in a tree.

What I came to realize was that my husband was not receiving the attention he wanted, nor the adoration, because I generally was a quiet person and he wanted me to ask him questions so he could tell me things about himself without seeming prideful or show off his wisdom. He also did not want a woman that had any masculine traits. He could not make quick decisions and I could, and he saw this as an unattractive characteristic in a female. I was to learn how men project images upon females based on their sexual needs and expectations, as well as what they deem inappropriate for women to engage in. Every woman is different, as well as men, but while my husband did not open doors for me, he was emphatic about my dress, hair and outer appearance, always wanting me to be in dresses, hair long and wearing nothing 'frumpy' around him. Meals were not important unless I could cook a dish like his mother, then there was praise. I could not be me. There were too many expectations of what I "should" be.

Femme Fatale Daughter
Eventually, another woman who was the epitome of this femme fatale came to one of our conferences and forever changed the course of our lives and marriage. Yet within our very household was another femme fatale—our daughter. She was defiant, rebellious, haughty, and disrespectful to me. She was also beautiful in appearance and used her body to entice her boyfriends. She could have the sweetest, most holy nature when it suited her to appear so. She adored her father and thereby easily appeared to him as an angelic being, rarely did they have any issues together. She got along well with him because he never demanded anything of her. He believed she could do what she liked, and of course, she liked that. They also talked the same language spiritually, both gravitating to Buddhic ideas.

I believed in setting boundaries and having respect for adults; this she did not like. As it turned out, she admitted to me one day that she hated me. As a young child she would never do anything I requested, and often had a flippant answer. Yet it appeared no matter my prior experience with raising her siblings, she I could not reach no matter what angle I tried to reach her to aid her becoming a confident, loving mature adult. Things only got worse when she hit eleven, starting her teenage years. She could keep hidden from teachers, counselors, and most especially her father, her true nature. To me, she let it all out.

Where was my inner guidance during those years? Right there where it always was. Several masters identifying themselves as Mother Mary, El Morya, the Maha Chohan and the Great Divine Director came to me over the years with their specific guidance to assist with the major obstacles my daughter presented mostly during her teens. Every one of those inner guidances that I received for my daughter—and that I carried out—worked like a charm to resolve the major issue of the day. When my daughter admitted that she hated me I realized that the frequent stomach pain that she experienced was related to nurturance issues with the "mother" so I suggested she appeal to Mother Mary to be her new cosmic mother and she agreed. After she mentally and emotionally released me as her mother the pain went away and never returned.

The more we had issues together the more our daughter gravitated to her father. She delighted in siding with her father if he took issue with something I did whereby she would often join him against something they believed I had done wrong. They were like a team when they chose to go after me on some issue, feeding each other's animosity towards my act—or even myself. Yet she seemed to respect and believe my communication with heaven. That was the baffling part. If a master, through me, gave her direction she would generally follow it. Yet if I gave her a direction she would rebel.

Personal Changes From Our Messengership
After the realization about my husband's ideal image of a woman, I let go of any pain from trying to fulfill being this Great Whore loving wife because I saw that I was not that woman my husband desired—and never could be. My husband never spoke of my not loving him again. Yet he spoke publicly after we separated that he had tried to change me for twenty years by getting me to see the "real me" he saw in a vision when he first met me, which he desired to see unfold, and that I never saw him (written in all caps). He also said he conformed to my image of him that I needed to project upon him in order to let me feel I was in control of my life, and in so doing he had to tone down his true being. Oddly, he expected me to see the real him when he admitted he was not being his real self to support me feeling in control of my life. And that I was projecting an image onto him of something he was not, while he freely admitted he had a vision of me that he was protecting on to me. He also said he offered me his gift again and again, without stating what that gift was, except to say that he "gave me unconditional love and kindness over and over and over again".

So things began to change in our marriage when he realized I was not the woman he envisioned and when I realized I could never be that woman, as it was not a woman of God. The next big change began when we became messengers, thirteen years into our marriage. At first it appeared Kim was supportive of me as co-messenger with him, but he really spent more and more time doing his "mission" and we only spent time together at conferences. Getting out two or three "Jesus" answers a day was a daily goal for him for years. While he was growing away from me I was still comfortable with our relationship and continued to respect him in many ways and see him as the Christ. I found that if I disagreed with him on something or felt he was not acting like the Christ in some manner, it was easy for me to put it aside and not continue to hold any negative thoughts against him. I also felt that if I disagreed with something he did or did not do, or felt something was not spiritually right with his actions, that heaven would enlighten me as to what was going on. Yet heaven never did. I spent those years entirely in the dark as to why he or I were doing or not doing something.

Although I was blamed as being the one that was non-communicative, this following story illustrates how Kim was non-communicative and could not be open and honest with me, only tolerant, until his tolerance went beyond a certain point. Before our conference in Ireland we toured around England. I drove most of the day in a rented car and I was in bliss all day. Some part of me always loved the English countryside, and it was a beautiful day. We stopped at some churches and sites along the way, and on the radio was playing the most beautiful classical music.

Towards evening my husband asked me, "Aren't you tired of driving?" I immediately responded, "No!" I was ecstatic and full of life and light. My response was not what Kim wanted to hear, so he blurted out, "Well, I am!" He then berated me for my driving (I drive fast) and he had had enough. To say I was surprised was an understatement, even though I knew Kim had this tendency to hold resentment or intolerance to my actions for months or even years before he would speak out his uncomfortableness, as he did with the "I don't love him" accusation. He had gone all day without asking me to slow down, or stop more frequently, or even offer to drive himself; instead, he held it in until his couldn't do else but explode upon me.

The first year we were married he waited a year before telling me one night, "Don't serve me broccoli anymore. I don't like it!" It was my favorite vegetable and consequently, I served it a couple of times a week. I don't know if he hid the uneaten broccoli, or managed to eat it while resenting every bite, but I felt mortified that my action of serving a food I thought not only healthy for us, but enjoyable to eat, was not so for my husband and he never could tell me.

Kim never hired an editor to edit his books. He had me proof them for errors and I would find a few. If he found any after publication, or someone would write him pointing them out. Then he would make the changes and give a new copy to the publisher. I did not read his books, I proofed them, which meant I did not internalize them. While many testimonies came in how great his books and dictations were, I could not see them from the same perspective after being in the Summit Lighthouse for twenty years. His books were very wordy, often repeating the same thing several times. They were very mental. Yet that seemed to be what his followers wanted.

I could not read his "Jesus" answers over the years also because I did not believe them to be accurate and I did not agree with them for their repetitiousness way of discoursing. When I proofed his second book supposedly entirely dictated by Jesus, I had to question Jesus, "Why are you talking this way as if we can't hear you the first time you say something?" The answer back was, "because people can't hear me the first or second time." I understood this premise as I had studied how to be a good salesman and it is a sales technique to repeat your question at least five times to get past the first "no's". And I felt this was the real Jesus answering, and it was to help me continue to be at peace with what I had to experience and witness with distrust of my husband's communication.

The Conscious You is Introduced
My husband appeared to have a drive to also bring forth new teachings other than what we had already received through the Summit Lighthouse. At least I thought so at the time. After our separation he revealed to his followers that he had had an inner experience and vision during a dictation a few years after we were married. In fifteen years he never revealed that experience to me, yet within a short time after our separation, he revealed it publicly. That vision worked on his consciousness for all those years, slowly changing his concept about life and reality. He believed he was taken to the throne of God Alpha and Omega in the Great Central Sun, and that experience was so extraordinary and special that he could not share it even with his wife. He said he became one with the formless God behind creation. While he admitted he was not the only one who had had this type of experience, his actions exposed the hidden part of him that felt he was so special that to share it would make him seem prideful. Yet somehow he overcame that thought after our separation to share it with the entire world.

His opinion of Elizabeth Clare Prophet was very low because of some of the past experiences he had with her, as I explained in an earlier article, as well as from his hidden pride that he could do better as a messenger than she did. With his inner vision, he believed he had the truth and unique experience about the formless God that no one else had had, or very few. Only pride could think that because they have been so many visionaries, mystics, philosophers and men of God who have had tremendous insights into God Reality, along with the hundreds of near-death experiences.

These new "Conscious You" teachings began in 2005 when he introduced the concept of the "Conscious You" in a book he claimed were dictations from Mother Mary. When I helped him proof the book and started reading this idea of the Conscious You I told him that the teaching did not ring true. But that did not change the words released in that book and I put the discomfort on a shelf for God to lead me on how to respond next.

This putting something on the shelf was needed many times over the years after we became messengers for the masters. It also allowed me to continue to respect and love him regardless of what he said, or taught. I had to reason with my outer mind that maybe he was teaching people at a lower level than other Ascended Master students could understand, but I also affirmed within that God was in control and I would bow to His will.

So that was one of the first times that I had highly objected to something he had received from his masters. The second time was in a book he claimed were dictations he received from Lord Maitreya. When I proofed that book I again found an entire chapter on angels that did not describe angels as taught by the ascended masters or the Christian church. This time, seemingly the only time, he changed the chapter. But that experience left me with further doubt that if he could change a chapter that supposedly was from a master, what did that really mean about the source of his original words? Did he really influence the teachings and dictations he brought forth, and if so, how much?

I knew that there was a high possibility that his consciousness could have influenced the purity of the messages he received (as Mother Mary’s words) from the experience with his rosaries and with the recreated dictation from her. Yet how much did his consciousness influence those releases? While I at first gave him the benefit of the doubt that they were dictations with a high percentage of the master's words I could no longer easily do so when I read the "Conscious You" teachings. My cries went unheard, nothing changed and the book got printed.

Had something changed? Was my husband truly still sponsored by the Great White Brotherhood, as I believed he initially was if these were really tainted with what I believed were his false ideas and teachings? What had led us to this point? What were these "masters" purpose if we were teaching different concepts, supposedly from the same masters? And was I contributing to possible false teachings by supporting my husband and his work, albeit with certain challenges to him at times?

The next chapter in these exposés on messengers, ascended masters and their reality will continue with further insights into the divine purpose.