A Different Messenger

This has been a long series of articles about the Ascended Masters and my involvement with the Teachings, starting with the Summit Lighthouse, and then becoming a messenger for the masters after the Summit messenger retired. Briefly, reviewing what I have shared, in the The Creation of the Summit Lighthouse I covered the Summit creation by Mark Prophet and Mark's meeting Elizabeth and their marrying. In the The Summit Lighthouse Camelot Years I shared what happened after Mark's passing, what then happened within the organization, including Elizabeth remarriage, separation and divorce, the Gregory Mull trial and what came out at that trial that exposed some things about Elizabeth her followers had no idea about.

In the next article, Beliefs and Practices of CUT During the 1980's, I shared how the Teachings became focused on the judgment of not only Satan and Lucifer, but another top "fallen angel" Peshu Alga, supposedly an incarnation of Elizabeth's father. I shared some of my personal experiences during those years and what possibly were some of the reasons we focused on such issues as the judgment.

In Arriving in Montana, I explained my move to Montana during the Shelter Cycle years and my experience going through that period and meeting a man who lived in the community that I later married. This article covered a lot about the shelters, Glastonbury, Elizabeth's Alzheimer disease and retirement, the new leadership, Erin Prophet's involvement and some of my personal experiences through my healing practice.

The next article, Communication Experiences, I focused on what happened to me when I began hearing what I believed were the ascended masters. I was not unfamiliar with working with the Holy Spirit, but I had rarely heard any voices before. These voices were guiding me daily, directing at times and seemingly helping me heal any psychological issues. With the accompaniment of the Holy Spirit they were powerful experiences that only confirmed the reality of the ascended masters, not the other way around. We received direction from the masters to move to Utah just before Elizabeth's retirement, apparently to take us out the negative spiral that ensued from her vacancy.

I broke up this last article into two with a second part, because so many instances and happenings all seemed to lead up to these "masters" asking me to be their messenger. Yet I was not the only one. Were all claiming to truly being messengers of these same masters guided by the same source? And who were these masters we heard or gave messages from? I have not answered that yet.

So on to writing next about my experiences Becoming an Ascended Master Messenger, and forming the Shangra-la Mission, and a little about all these other "messengers" and their organizations. At this point my husband, who was a co-messenger with me, had communications from Jesus and had created his own website and came up with the idea of doing "question and answers" to and from Jesus. This was strange, to say the least, since he had his direction and I had mine from the same masters but not appearing to be on the same page, but we managed to have some semblance of harmony by making Shangra-la the organization and conference arm where he could share his messages and dictations live. New York was the place we were directed to move as new messengers.

Finally, in my last article Controlling the Mother Light, I shared what it was like for me being a messenger, how we began putting on conferences, and how early in those years we were bequeathed a large sum of money from one of our followers. While financially we were doing well, we were going separate ways in what we were spiritually receiving, if we were really spiritually directed. My husband introduced the concept of a Conscious You, which was not a part of my spiritual beliefs or what I could accept as real. I also came to know that I was not the type of woman my husband was attracted to, which I explain was more of a femme fatale seductress. Not that he consciously wanted the negative part of this type of woman that was a predator of men, but a woman with beauty and brains, ultra feminine who coyly appears to give her man power, praise, and attention but in the end really is a seductress using her beauty and feminine wiles to control the man and get what she wants.

While this may seem just a personal issue between us this apparently was a serious desire of my husband's, and it was as if that was one of the main reasons we came together, not just for ourselves to resolve or outplay in our lives, but something that had a greater purpose that was integral to my life's mission to serve God while here on earth. So I will, later on, share my spiritual guidance on how this relates to a big problem on this planet. Many people may never read this far in this series, having little interest beyond the beginning articles in what the Summit and the Ascended Master Teachings was all about, yet I share further insights in the hope that in some way my experiences and story will help others in similar issues in their life.

A Higher Purpose for Oneness in Marriage and the Teachings
The other reason we were brought together was to do with the reality/unreality of the Ascended Masters and the false teachings they presented as the highest truth, and similarly, my husband's beliefs that his new concepts and ideas were from the "real Jesus" and therefore even higher than the Summit Lighthouse and their ascended masters teachings. In other words, the Summit's messengers, and messages were limited by the Summit Lighthouse's messengers abilities and psychological issues and my husband believed he was bringing forth that which they were unable to.

While this is not unheard of in subsequent organizations following previous ascended master groups, my husband appeared to place himself above all the other groups who each one denied the new messengers who appeared during their messengerships. Mrs. Ballard denied the legitimacy of Geraldine Innocente and Mark and Elizabeth. Geraldine denied Mark Prophet, and Elizabeth denied Monroe and Caroline Shearer. My husband did not deny any other messenger, rather he proudly proclaimed on his website that he was not the only messenger, and not only not the only messenger but encouraging everyone else to be messengers if so called to do so, as if one could choose themselves to be a messenger. Yet he, through his dictations, always qualified that with some statement how hard the job was and how much mastery it really takes.

I joined the Ascended Master teachings because I had decided when I was a teen that there was more truth to the spiritual life than I received through my church. I decided to quit my church and find a church more suitable to my spiritual beliefs. These beliefs included reincarnation, something I had as an integral part of my belief system from early childhood that came from within, not from any outside source. I knew I had died in a previous life and how I had died and I requested of God not to let me die that way in this life. I believe I was destined to find the masters as outlined below beginning in 1979.

  • I watched In Search of... weekly until the Wonderman of Europe show aired, which included Elizabeth Clare Prophet and her church (Summit Lighthouse) and the story of St. Germain as the "man who never died".
  • After the show aired I lost interest in watching the show anymore and set my goal on finding this St. Germain and the "church" who believed he was the master who did not die.
  • Within months a student of the Summit Lighthouse moved in across the street from me and introduced me to the masters. Within a day of meeting them I heard a recording of St. Germain giving a dictation through Elizabeth Clare Prophet that my neighbor was playing while I was over her house. Unusual for me, I asked her who that was. Finding out it was St. Germain and the church, without any hesitation, I quickly joined with them in their church services and giving decrees and sent in my application to join the Keepers of the Flame organization "sponsored" by St. Germain.
  • I set my goal to attend one of the church's Summit University 3-month sessions, which I did by 1982. When they moved to their new headquarters in Montana I set my goal to move to Montana and work on staff. My goal of moving there was accomplished in 1989. I worked on staff in 1995.

While the church fulfilled my inner belief system, it also included other beliefs like we are all individual "I AM" spirit sparks of God I AM THAT I AM. We are also all part of the universal Christ consciousness. Thus, Jesus was not the only Christ, but was a wayshower come to guide us back to our own Christ self, the mediator between God and man. The Christ is the only begotten Son, not Jesus alone. Jesus obtained oneness with his Christhood over many embodiments. He was still very special, but not the only begotten Son of God.

I found no problem with these beliefs as 1) these were the ascended masters teaching the "truth" who were at the same level as Jesus in wisdom and attainment after having "ascended" back to God I AM THAT I AM and 2) they believed in reincarnation and supported the path of higher "oneness" with God. The masters also taught that the Bible was not accurate because of the many translations and books that were left out of the canon, such as the book of Enoch. This book and other non-canonical books were accepted as true teachings. It was easy to accept the interference of the "powers to be" interfering with the word of God, especially since reincarnation was believed to be a truth by me and there are verses that appear to affirm its truth, such as in John 9:1, Mark 9:13,  Matt 11:13-14 and Matt 17:12-13, with many testimonies by children remembering their past lives while Christianity denies its existence.

The Summit Lighthouse also had a prominent belief in the "judgment", which took form in the judgment of the fallen angels who appeared to be responsible for every ill on this planet and most importantly, the manipulation of the truth so that the people of God would not "ascend" back to I AM. Without the belief of reincarnation, the Ascended Master Teachings would not make sense. Another important point is that you cannot pick and choose which beliefs you will accept that these masters promulgated. Rather, we were taught to put the "unacceptable" teachings on the shelf until time and wisdom would enlighten us on why a particular belief was truth.

After I found the Teachings I heard within me the voice that warned me of danger. I was later given that many of these unsolicited enlightening words came from my Spirit Self. I knew not where the advice came from as when we live with something from childhood we normally accept those things as a natural part of living. Reincarnation was one of those natural parts of my consciousness as were these bits of wisdom that came to me. I never sought to share them with anyone, usually keeping all my insights to myself. Later, when I became a spiritual teacher/messenger I started sharing some of my current inner insights as guided to do from within. Years later the inner voice guided me a few more times.

By 1996 I had begun to hear my inner guidance via the ascended masters almost daily. While stories abound on guardian angels, God, or Jesus guiding people through traumatic situations and at times where heavenly intercession is a lifesaving intervention, ascended masters are another questionable source of guidance and sometimes are classified in with "spirit guides". I had gone from receiving heavenly intervention to these "spirit guides" called ascended masters. Yet even though I was guided by guides not in the heavenly realms, their intervention was very enlightening, thus supporting my belief in their heavenly abode. When following their direction it appeared that life-transforming changes happened in my world and though maybe not always comfortable, these changes were a tremendous learning and enlightening life experiences.

My question to God that was foremost after leaving the ascended master "reality" and returning to foundational Christian beliefs was "how did I not discern their unreality?" This led to my understanding that it was part of my divine path and mission in life (we all have a unique purpose to our lives) to experience this belief system—and to come out of it to the other side. How strong are the testimonies of drug addicts, alcoholics, and other serious addicts, when they come out the other side and witness to the dangers of their lifestyles and how they succumbed to the danger and how they found freedom from it?

I have read and studied countless testimonies to the wonder of this during my lifetime. Not that I am looking for these testimonies, outside of always looking to learn and grow and find higher truths, but that I inadvertently come upon them consistently in my studies. Many that I find are God inspired. Recently I tuned into a radio broadcast on my way to town when I usually skip the radio and listen to my own music. I tuned in early in the story about a man who had been a serious drug addict who was convicted and served three years in prison. Yet later he did the impossible. He became an attorney and then an intern for the White House.1 His story was incredibly powerful to not only how our past defines our future, but how our past can be overcome to make the future better not only for us but for others.

The other part of my destiny was to meet and marry the men that I did. I was working on womanhood and the stereotype of women being less than men. It was not an outer conscious belief of mine, yet it defined my relationships with men, especially in my marriages. My first marriage taught me that I would easily adapt myself to the man's needs and wants because I wanted the love I believed he had for me. Since I was deprived of any real loving relationships all through my youth except from my dog, I easily acquiesced to my husband's control—that is initially. I matured and my inner guidance would tell me things, not very frequently but enough that I learned what was going on within myself and my husband's actions. Usually, it was unsolicited advice. They were profound understandings of the real cause behind the effect.

When I met my second husband he presented an enigma. He was part of my Summit Lighthouse study group and he appeared to have extrasensory perception abilities that I at that time believed meant that he was a high soul of great wisdom, something I believed I lacked. Yet he also had negative personality traits that were abhorrent. He was persistent in his pursuit of me and wanting to have sex with me, which was equally abhorrent to me. I had made a personal vow to celibacy outside of marriage and he was the thorn in my side almost incessantly pursuing this fulfillment of his wants. Yet I could not break off the relationship. Whether it was destiny that kept me from being unable to do so or what some would define as karma, I appeared weak around him and his arguments to get his way much as I did in the early part of my first marriage. While I had grown in my first marriage especially after finding the Teachings, I still had hidden remnants of wisdom issues that were more of the societal and religious background. Those are hard to break or overcome as we are bombarded by these belief systems that are a part of our upbringing.

It is a rare few that come into this world and stand up against societal norms. The few that make it through and become admired usually are admired only after their deaths. Yet St. Hildegard von Bingen's example is an amazing example of a woman who was very admired in her time. Hildegard was a twelfth-century German Benedictine abbess, writer, composer, philosopher, Christian mystic, visionary, and healer. She went on four preaching tours, each lasting several years. Preaching for women was illegal, but she did it anyway.

Hildegard proclaimed the special dignity of women in her speeches, books and music and stood out against the society norms of her age.  She had some strange concepts for the time, but nevertheless believed to be God inspired from her mystical encounters with heaven. In opposition to church belief that was held at that time, she proposed that menstruation does not render a woman unclean, but the shedding of blood in war certainly renders a soldier unclean. She held that since God used woman to give birth to the Christ  a woman best represents the humanity of the Son of God rather than a man. She refused to allow the church to treat women as subservient to men, she rejected negative stereotypes of evil seductresses, and taught that woman was indeed created in the image and likeness of God.2

My Experience with Women Stereotyping
I left my first marriage because my husband could not tolerate my newfound belief system, spiritual endeavors (since he was an agnostic) and my inner independence to say no to his unethical wants and needs. He grew angrier and angrier with me, and to this day still carries a strong negative belief against me harboring on that initial anger that borders hatred. The idea that he could not control me was at the heart of the matter. Later I discovered my own mother's anger with me because she could not control me starting to a small degree while living at home but greater so after I married.

When I married my third husband the level amped up in this wisdom enlightenment I had to experience. During this marriage, I raised up my husband in my heart to be the wisest of wise with his being one with the Christ. Although I knew he was not a perfect human being, whatever he did that did not fall in with the Christ I ignored or overlooked easily. At first, he did the manipulation of requesting I not wear certain clothes and what clothes I should wear by first only complimenting me on what he liked and second pointing out what I could no longer wear. Years later I was also cast aside for cutting my hair short. Not that I was told directly that I was cast aside, but indirectly with comments that he did not like my hair and the way he treated me. He later told me I should get my hair dyed like another woman's that he pointed to as an example. That said a lot.

Although I would stop wearing the clothes he directed me not to wear again I did not throw them away. I still kept my hair short and I did not dye it. Yet those examples, and in many other ways, I was put down for not being good enough as a woman and not as wise as he. Again, this came across in several different ways and usually not directly unless he reached his tolerance level on something I was doing or not doing. For some reason, I continued not to respond to his remarks or to his actions that blatantly spoke a message to me that I would not consciously address: "I have no interest in your activities, work or relationship" that is, outside of sex.

When we became messengers together was when our relationship really changed. While we went to conferences together and shared the platform with different contributions we brought to the conference, there was no gratitude on his part for what I brought, no comments to me about my lectures or facilities arranged or meals that I cooked, no caring whatsoever as long as I did not stop him from his contributions which were mostly giving dictations from these ascended masters. Since I usually arranged everything and worked during the U.S. conferences I was always busy. Yet afterward, in our travel time, we did not communicate what we had experienced. I would often get started right away transcribing his dictations for publication or answering the influx of emails which increased around conference time.

Keeping communication open with hundreds of students, the forums, healing sessions and writing on the websites was more than a full-time job. It was stressful and I felt like I was always behind. Yet I developed close relationships with many because although they adored my husband Kim, they couldn't have a close relationship with him and they wanted closeness with the messengers and masters, which I gave them. There was no doubt a lot of idolatry was involved in thinking that there was something special about someone who could communicate with the masters which they believed were heavenly beings.

I still had a family to raise, and unlike Elizabeth Prophet, I had no nanny, maid and cook to help me. Although my family was not as large anymore because two of my children moved to their fathers while we were living in Montana. Our move from Utah to New York was very stressful for both of our daughters that remained with us and our youngest daughter's behavior turned from bad to worse. All of my children had been fairly obedient to parental guidance, but not my youngest. She refused to obey instructions or requests, and fighting her rebellion against my authority was an ongoing and increasing challenge.

One of the recommendations from my "guides" was to have her drop out of school and go to college. For two years it was a struggle practically every morning getting her to school and I often had to lie to the school and say she was sick because I could not get her to go. She was a good student and got excellent grades but she did not get along with the other students. She had advanced a grade when she was eleven and the consequence was she was always with older students and she often was picked on.

She agreed to my direction to drop out of high school and I arranged for her to get her G.E.D. over the summer. By Fall she was registered in college at sixteen years old. I bought her a car and helped her get her driver's license. I was told things would improve between us because she would stop using me as her entertainment to oppose and argue with and put more of her attention on college activities. Such was the case and the move was a great improvement to my peace of mind.

Our other daughter joined the National Guard and soon after got married. She never was called to active duty during her four-year enlistment. She did one weekend drill a month and a two-week training every year. It was a good experience for her and brought her a steady salary. However, her husband started abusing her when she was fairly along in her first pregnancy so I insisted she move back home. After the baby was born she went back to school to get a massage therapy degree and I would take care of my grandchild while she was at school. On weekends the baby would often go to her father's. She adored her father as he adored her. Yet it was not always the best situation because he smoked dope and spoiled her, but somehow she made it through the years without any serious harm. By end of 2007, my daughter had settled in her own apartment.

Starting a School in Virginia
It was also that year several things happened. The man who wanted to promote Kim's website for the $45,000 a year salary became openly antagonistic toward me in our forum discussion group. I had given a series of very strange dictations from "Jesus" which I called the IS dictations. This man had received some words through me from Jesus about why Kim did not need to be promoted by him and that Jesus was capable of doing it himself. This did not sit well with him and he mocked my IS dictations. So a few of us got together to handle the negative energies he was sending my way and Shangra-la's. We called it the IS meetings and we began to regularly hold meetings, first to handle his energies and later continuing together to work on anything the Holy Spirit brought to our attention. While many were welcome Kim was not interested in joining, as he usually did not join anything with me. We started out with a dozen of us and had some amazing sessions together.

Then one day at one of our meetings it came up that I needed to form a school. I had already been teaching kinesiology courses online that I called Integrated Kinesiology and that had gone well, but a school? While I had no idea of what, when, how or why, each week we would receive some new facet to how this would come about. I learned it would involve horses, using horse therapy. This was not new to me. Before we left Utah the guides were working with me and my eldest daughter to encourage her to go into horse therapy work. She was excellent with horses and it seemed a wonderful career. She was to form a school. She moved back in with us and went to college after she and her first husband divorced. I took care of her two small boys during the day and helped her in any way I could.

Then when I received inner direction that we needed to move to New York she had to find her own place. First she moved back with her father. She never finished college and consequently did not get into horse therapy, but ended up taking a downward course in her life which led to some unsavory ways of earning a living.

It seemed an odd coincidence that years earlier my daughter was led to start a school with horse therapy and now it was me who was receiving the same direction. Yet everything fell into place. It was hard to discount that this was not divinely arranged. First Kim had to agree with me to move from New York. This he surprisingly was willing to do. Second, we had to move to more of a horse country, which I always had in mind was Virginia. Since I was young I knew one day I would live in Virginia. The desire and dream were so real that when my first husband asked me where should we buy investment property for our future I answered, "West Virginia!" It seemed to be an intentional mistake from some part of me. I was not meant to move to Virginia yet, which would have been thirty years too early!

We did quickly find a hundred acre property in West Virginia. We tried to live there, after returning to the States when our son was born, but his asthma flared up from the climate there. It was alright but I found living in West Virginia constrictive because of all the hillsides and no view. When my eldest daughter traveled with me on my East Coast trip in 2002, we drove up and down Virginia looking for horse therapy farms she could train with. We also took a trip through West Virginia where the Holy Spirit had us focus on what a horse farm should look like by all the farms we passed by. Leaving West Virginia to head back to Virginia we crossed a mountain range and came to a panoramic view of Virginia. The view from the mountainside was an open flat plain and instantly I exclaimed from that inner knowing, "Oh my God, I was supposed to live in Virginia, not West Virginia!"

No, I wasn't supposed to live in Virginia, not yet. God was in control. Virginia was to come later with my school I was to form, which I called the School of Being.3 I bought 40 acres in Virginia within six months of receiving the first direction to start a school, and raised over a hundred thousand dollars from our followers to go towards the down payment. I sold our house in two weeks close to our asking price, and we were offered a free place to stay between house closings. The property had many of the things the Holy Spirit had pointed out to me on our West Virginia trip, including a barn, white picket fences, horse pastures, a small riding ring, a huge riding ring that was all fenced. It had a guest cottage and a two-level home with a basement that could be expanded into extra rooms for students. There was a man-made lake at the back of the property.

The house and property were not easy to find. Kim and I looked together for weeks, traveling the long drive from New York to Virginia to look at properties. He did not want to spend over $200,000 and we could not find anything that would come near to qualifying for horse and school property in that price range. Then one weekend he could barely travel with me. He had some odd intestinal bloating that left him hardly able to move. Neither of us go to a doctor so it was not even considered to go, although today I wonder how neither of us thought it was serious enough to warrant a visit. The following weekend he said he could not travel with me he was so uncomfortable. It was then I found the property and just knew this was it. Yet it was over a half million dollars and Kim could not handle the idea of buying anything over a few hundred thousand dollars. He reluctantly agreed by phone for me to put in the offer and his mysterious illness instantly cleared up. I could not help but think that his symptoms were caused by his immense fear of buying property over a certain range and I could not find the property while he traveled with me.

We moved onto the property before the end of 2008. I held my first School of Being class the following March. I bought four horses, but only two that were ridable. The first two I bought came to me via Kim. He had been looking for horses for me although I had not asked him to, and he kept telling me about these horses that were for sale for only $200. I thought maybe the Holy Spirit was talking to me through him and so I ended up buying them even though I had not even seen them but sent a friend to check them out for me who knew something about horses. I reasoned that we could still use them for the students. The other two horses were thoroughbreds, both former racehorses. I went to look at one and the owner later convinced me to buy another. She had a farm to rescue horses that would otherwise end up at the meat market after their racing career is over and it made sense to have two ridable horses.

What I identified as Elohim had taught me how to listen to plants and animals. Horses are an excellent mirror of hidden human behaviors and emotions. They communicate by body language and they are excellent at reading human body language. The first two horses I bought were pintos. One was a stallion and the other happened to be pregnant by him, although the owner was not sure she was pregnant. Although the stallion was small he could jump the stall gate at a standstill to get to the mare so I had to have him castrated. He was the easiest to communicate with.

The Change in Personality
Kim became another person to me. He was acting strangely. He was constantly looking for things to buy, mostly for me and the school, things I did not need. He found a greenhouse and I ended up buying it and never using it. He bought five boats for the lake. He found bunk beds for the school from a college that was turning over their beds for new stock. Then one day he wanted to buy a car he found. We didn't need another car, already having three, for he had bought a small pickup truck to use around the property. We had bought a van years before and that would come in handy for taking students on trips. We also had an older car that was still in good working order. Yet again, I somehow acquiesced and we bought this other car. It was fancy in my standard, having a sunroof, built-in GPS, heated seats, and other bells and whistles. I would later discover why he bought it, to impress a certain student he knew was coming to the school.

This was not the Kim I knew, he would easily buy electronic equipment for himself for his publishing and conference work, but usually did not like to spend money. His being so interested in buying things for the school and property was strange behavior. Yet there was an ulterior motive behind his pursuit for purchases for me. While we were living in New York he told me about an electronic piano that was for sale. I had never bought an electronic piano before, I much prefer the real thing not only for sound but for touch. Yet I ended up buying it because it was a good price and the top of the line for an electronic piano. The reason he led me to buy this piano was he disliked every time we moved and I wanted to bring my piano. I never did, I always had to sell them because they are so hard to move and it is not good for them. I did not realize at the time why he was looking for a piano for me, but he knew I had looked at a few full-sized pianos and he was seeking to stop that endeavor for his own sake.

The other big change was in Kim's attitude. He was haughty at times, especially at conferences. His dictations from his masters had this tone as well, mixed with a mocking undertone, and they were becoming more unreal. Just before we moved we had a conference in Hawaii. That was the first conference I did not lecture for some reason, but most especially because I was too busy cooking, and it was the first conference Kim had visible anger. He was not only angry with me but with one of the students who always helped with our audio equipment.

Little did I know then that one of the students in attendance was coming to all our conferences, beginning in 2007, and Kim was very enamored with her. In Hawaii, we held the conference at a home that had a pool. One day I saw her serving all the attendees snacks while dressed only in her bikini. After we came home from that conference Kim had lost our van keys sometime while we were in Hawaii or traveling. We had to call my daughter to come travel the hour drive to bring us another key. That was highly unlike him.

We held a conference in Germany just before we moved on the school property. This time I had made tickets from the wrong airport as I went to type in Charlottesville and the computer automatically filled in Charlotte instead and I had not noticed. We were between homes and I had to make a ticket at an airport close to where we might be staying when the conference time arrived. But Charlotte was another state! When we got to the airport we quickly found out my mistake. A friend bought us tickets from her free mileage and we managed to get to the conference in time. Again, the energies around Kim were strange. Traveling through Germany he drove with the woman who had bought us the tickets and I drove another car with three others students.

Then a month later a big conflict occurred at our Christmas/New Years conference in Virginia. Two students who were rooming together got into a big conflict and I was asked by another student to mediate. I made it a topic of the conference and we talked about how to resolve conflict and tried to help everyone regain some peace. Yet it appeared to only superficially heal anything between them as there was so much hostility. One of Kim's dictations mocked that hostility. While I was trying to promote openness and honesty, Kim much preferred that we don't address conflict.

First School Session
My first school class was extremely challengingd. I picked seven students out of twenty-five that applied, all women. One of them was the woman Kim was enamored with, Helen, and Sandy who drove with Kim in Germany and who housed us between homes. Another was our youngest daughter. Monique, the woman who had sponsored our Germany conference was invited. Another woman came from England and she ended up staying with us a month after the school finished. Leita, the woman who had the conflict at the conference and lived a few hours away and had been very supportive during our move was also invited. The last woman was a fill-in for another person who could not make it. She had an abusive childhood and had some issues with her mental abilities. For example, she burnt the countertop at our conference site and at the school she had left the hot water running in the sink that wasn't discovered until the next person used the bathroom.

My eldest daughter I invited to help with the classes since she was the original one who was supposed to start the school. She moved into the guest cottage. Her boys were living with their father. Our youngest daughter had attended the New Year's conference and begged me to let her come live with us again. I had helped her move into an apartment in New York before we moved, paying her first months rent, thinking she and I would benefit from the separation. But without us living nearby, she could have been lonely, especially if she had no one to engage in conflict with, as I was her favorite to engage with. Yet she had appeared changed, acting very sweet and amicable towards me, so eventually I acquiesced to her begging, as she had this way of being very persistent and could wear me down no matter how hard I tried to remain firm as a parent.

This time she wanted to include her boyfriend to come live with us as well. I was firm that this relationship in our home was not acceptable but this sense that this was destiny and God ordained that it come about came over me and I allowed him to come as well. She attempted to convince me that he was great with horses and had experience and would fulfill the much-needed help to run the school and take care of the horses. As it turned out he was very sweet and humble, but of simple mind and he was afraid of the horses. My daughter had lied.

I was told my first class would set the foundation for all the future classes. If that was the case I felt I could not continue on! Those students fought and bickered during our sessions most of the time. Especially hostile towards each other was my youngest daughter and the British woman, who had some mental imbalances and had been treated in the past for it but at the time I did not know this. One day Monique and some of the other students chastised me as an unfit mother to my youngest daughter, who had this habit of disagreeing with everything I said. They could not believe that I would not challenge her and that I allowed her to speak to me the way she did. Little did they know our past history and how impossible it was to stop her outside of banning her from any contact with me.

The two women who said very little were Sandy and Helen, but when they spoke they were like wise ones who were watching and observing but would not put their foot in the water and be tainted by the conflicts. When they spoke their opinions they appeared to give forth wise words, although it never seemed to change the dynamics of the bickering. These two women were also the closest to Kim, the one he was enamored with and Sandy who also only lived a few hours away and had helped in so many ways. But her help was for Kim whom she held on a pedestal.

We did not even eat meals with the men, who included Kim, my eldest daughter's husband and the boyfriend of my youngest daughter, because we started early with classes and went into the late hours of the night. The British woman decided the first day she could not go near the horses, so of course, helping her with horse therapy was not a part of that week. Monique could barely tolerate the way I ran the school and classes, with a lot of freedom and space for everyone to express who they really are. Her background, as part of the German psyche, since she spent a lot of time in Germany and lived right next door, was having complete order and control over everything.

I learned this during the Germany conference. Tea was served at this certain hour and Monique insisted we stop in the middle of a lecture for tea because you have to do everything by the clock. One day we arrived late for dinner and the cafeteria had put away all of the food, even though we were the only ones they were serving. Meals end at a certain time and if you are not there in time you will learn that you better be the next time or you don't eat. There appeared daily inspections of the property with men holding clipboards to judge even one spot left that was out of order. All this was contrary to what I taught at the School of Being. There was no time to get up, eat, hold classes and go to sleep. It was by the Holy Spirit. There were no chores anyone had to do, they were only suggestions in what could be done.

Conference Experiences
In April 2009 we put on a conference at Monique's in the Netherlands and then several of us drove together to Lourdes, France for our conference there. I was appalled by our sessions in the Netherlands for two reasons. One was that Monique controlled every one of the attendees who were part of her group. They were not allowed to speak until she invited them to. Most were crying continuously and when speaking could not lift their heads. Of course, everything was to the clock and there was complete order everywhere. Then, Kim announced through his master "MORE" (aka El Morya in the Summit Lighthouse) dictation that Monique was heralding in a new age in Holland because she had accepted his Ask Jesus website. This master MORE asked this woman to be his twin flame during the dictation and lauded their efforts in Holland, which I saw as very dysfunctional.4 The dictation then proceeded to mention Kim and me by name and that our youngest daughter was not only going to learn from us, but we were going to switch roles and be taught certain lessons by her! This was like a trigger to unleash the temporarily hidden femme fatale from that moment on. Things were going to get much worse.

At the Lourdes conference, Kim arrogantly announced at the place a French student had secured for us that he could not give a conference in such a place. He said, "Could you see Elizabeth Clare Prophet giving a dictation in this place?" We all looked for another building to hold the conference but to no avail. The ride from the Netherlands to France was accompanied by Monique and Helen who Kim was secretly infatuated with. She sat by him most of the trip with the two laughing together a lot. Kim later told our daughter that she laughed at his jokes and that I did not. I did not find them funny. She also spent a lot of time on her phone talking to another man who was attending the Lourdes conference. She claimed she got that they were twin flames. This only inflamed Kim's passions and jealousy, while the other man who had fallen for her charms was hurting because she spent more time with Kim during the conference than with him. Later he came to me for help suffering because after the conference she began to ignore him for no reason and he could not understand why. She had "dumped" him without even telling him.

Our daughter and Helen began taking dictations on our drive, and later Sandy as well. Kim eventually published their dictations on his website. Most of the attendees in Lourdes were Kim's followers and some, including Monique, loathed me. People were asked me why I was not giving dictations and then I received that the master "Great Divine Director" would give a dictation through me. I started but after several minutes I felt this wall coming at me. I stopped the dictation and told the audience that there was much opposition to me and this dictation and why? Monique stood up and publicly challenged my position. There was no doubt she was a great part of that energy I felt. She not only exuded this loathing but close to a hatred of me and incited those around her to believe things about me she wanted them to believe. Somehow she saw me as a threat to whatever she wanted to do with Kim and what she believed was their mission together: to join the Holland and American messengers and groups. And I stood in the way.

Later my daughter revealed that during our traveling together to Lourdes Monique had pulled the others aside and announced to them I was the embodiment of St. Bernadette, the Lourdes seer, claiming we both had hatred of the mother. Being one with Bernadette was not meant to be a compliment. She was using every means to covertly turn people against me. Two of her students traveled with us and they neither spoke English, so we could not communicate with them. They followed Monique's every command, when to eat, what to do, where to go, which we all witnessed during our conference activities and walks around Lourdes.

That conference was the last conference Kim and I gave together outside of a small gathering at our home the next month. I taught four more School of Being classes before I closed down the school. None were as traumatic as the first, but one other class held the challenge of students not being able to communicate very little at all! The second to the last class found the first Helen in attendance once again claiming she wanted to attend to help her friend who was attending and who spoke very little English.

Students could stay beyond the week of classes for one to two weeks more. Helen arranged to stay the extra weeks. During the school session, Helen was rarely in attendance. We knew where to find her if she was needed, with Kim. I had never had an ounce of jealousy to all the attention women bestowed upon Kim. I trusted he loved me and we spent twenty years together because he still loved me. In our last years together things had changed, and I continued to be extremely busy being a messenger and running a school. I believed Kim was also enthusiastically busy with his messengership, but he was not. He suddenly stopped publishing his conference dictations, saving them to publish in books people were to buy. He had stopped writing his books. In other words, he was not able to focus on his spiritual work.

When we moved to Virginia he changed in his demeanor but also the way he was a messenger. He spent most of his free time looking for things to buy and building things. He first finished the basement adding a bathroom and three more bedrooms and conference room. He then asked what else he could build and I suggested an outbuilding for meetings. He built it right next to the house, an odd place, but we used it a lot for our classes. It was an extraordinarily lovely little building, and later my eldest son would move in there to live with me and help me run the place.

By the beginning of summer, Kim had run out of things to do. He did not help with the school or cooking or any chores with the horses. The one time I asked him to help me with a school session was when my daughter's boyfriend infected my two computers with a virus. I was later told by one of the students that the whole class was talking about me and my being overworked and having issues. I knew something had happened when Helen came to me right after the class and in a condescending way volunteered to help me if I needed it. Later Kim came to me in the same vein. I declined both of them knowing their motive was not sincere.

We were slowly moving to the crux of the reason Kim and I were together. Kim was going to outplay a state of consciousness—and had been for quite some time—that men feel towards women and about who they believe they are. It was hard to believe that the man I believed was Christ-like had this other part of him that was at his core that had remained hidden to my outer awareness most of our marriage, except for what was revealed to me through my inner vision.

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Next in series: Discovering I Had a Mission.

1More information on Christopher Poulos and his amazing story here.

2There are many biographies on Hildegard von Bingen. This is one that shares some of her difficulties and successes, and this one lists many of her astonishing accomplishments.

3School of Being announcement 2009. School of Being first session March 2009.

4The higher understanding of twin flames is that the twin flame of Master MORE is the one who chooses to be that twin flame by accepting him or herself. For surely, we can transcend the outer sex of the physical body and coming into that oneness with the Being that I AM. Thus, being the twin flame of Master MORE is not something that one is or one is not. It is something that one chooses. Thus, I ask you, Monique, “Will you be my twin flame?” Monique answers: “Yes, I will!” See the whole dictation here.