Communication Experiences with the "Masters"


Wasatch Mountains - Utah


From hearing heavenly direction once every number of years to hearing messages every day for me was life transforming. It was in 1981 when I first heard the inner voice as explained in this article. I heard a voice speak to me to warn me of danger I was in because my car engine was about to freeze up, and following the inner direction I was in a place of safety when my engine died. A few years later I shared how I heard a voice tell me to move to Montana without my children. Again, good advice as I was later awarded custody of my children to live with me in Montana, but with different circumstances. I was newly married. Then about a year later I heard a voice comfort me that I just needed to be patient and all would work out with finding a way to move into the Church owned property called Glastonbury. I identified the last two voices as what I believed were "ascended masters", because in both cases I had been decreeing (praying) to a master when I heard the voices.

Then in my last article I explained how I took the Health Kinesiology training and began practicing full time, and then I started hearing messages almost every day. They were short messages. Sometimes personal to what I was spiritually working on. Sometimes they were about my family. I did not converse back; I just listened and wrote down in my journals what I heard. The primary "master" I believed who was communicating to me at first was El Morya. But then began a most difficult lesson, how would I know that the voices were real? How would I know that the voices were of God? I would always pray before listening and demand the source of the words to "show their light or be gone in the name of the Christ", and then I trusted in the light of Christ and believing this was the will of God in answer to my calls. Mother Mary had taught us “The call compels the answer.” When the Lord says, “Command ye me,” he is letting us know that the call of man will compel the answer from God.

As previously mentioned, my husband thought for sure I was working with psychic forces. I believed I was not. I was determined that I would not allow psychic infiltration in my world, something the church taught was sinful to do. But the messages kept coming and my husband continued to doubt me. I had never sought out this communication to begin with, it just happened by the will of God, but since I had it, I was going to make sure I was a pure channel for the Holy Spirit by working on my psychology and praying and following the inner words of wisdom from Above that I received every day. I also took voluminous notes to study and learn what was behind my every fault.

I loved my husband and I did not want my communication with heaven to separate us because he could not believe in me. While I did not want to interfere with his free will to believe what he wanted, at the same time I knew I had to be true to my calling and we could not continue this way. One day the master I believed was El Morya told me to have him read my journals and that is when he came around to believe I was in contact with heavenly beings.

Personal Help From a Master, El Morya
El Morya came to be my own personal guru. The Summit Lighthouse taught that he was a very special person and guru, he founded the Summit Lighthouse through Mark Prophet. He was the patriarch Abraham; one of the three wiseman; King Arthur, of Camelot; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury; Sir Thomas More, the “man for all seasons”; and many other great men (all masculine embodiments.)

El Morya is said to rule over the first ray, which is the ray of God Power and God's Will. He was also supposed to have the godly attributes of the Father, which made him a great ruler and statesman having courage, power, forthrightness, self-reliance, dependability, faith and initiative. It was not hard to believe in him as having these past lives as his dictations carried forth the same vibrations we believed were of these great men of the past.

So he was the first ascended master of the church that I got to know. He was always there to give me insight in how to be a better person and chela. Yet at first I was very uncomfortable with him. The Summit Lighthouse had a picture of him (to the left) with a very intense look. It used to make me want to look away, as I heard others say as well. It was like the eyes in the picture could see everything in your mind and heart and you just knew you were so unclean. I felt like I had done something wrong in a past life and I just couldn't look El Morya in the eyes without having this sense of shame.

Then one day El Morya gave me words that led me to a past life. Whether I was or not this life, it had a tremendous healing effect on me so that I no longer was afraid to look at El Morya's picture and have his eyes looking at me. I was led to the life of Mary of Guise, or Mary of Lorraine (France). She was the mother of Mary, Queen of Scots. The healing came through understanding her stand for Catholicism in Scotland against the Protestant movement. My first husband's family is from a Scottish clan. My brief one year marriage with my second husband, it turns out, also came from a family of Scottish descent. I felt there was a connection there and no mere coincidence. Whatever caused the feelings of guilt it was gone after this work.

Along the same line of healing with the understanding of the life of Mary of Lorraine's life, other situations were addressed again and again that had to do with either guilt, shame and issues with perfection and not loving myself. I had already spent years doing rituals of decrees with the violet flame, and novenas to heal my psychology, but lingering were these issues that decrees were not changing. After taking my healing courses I discovered that I could check how much progress I made each week by using my muscle testing. One week I appeared to pull ahead and the next week find that I had slipped backwards. Yet I was not doing anything majorly wrong that I could see. I got along with others find and I felt I was kind to most everyone—but myself. And there was the key. I discovered the cause of my problem, it was the self condemnation, along with shame and guilt. Since the Summit taught we were God Beings, I believed my self-condemnation was condemning God and this was causing my setbacks. I also realized that God created me and I was condemning one of His creations: myself.

When I joined the Ascended Masters’ Teachings, they were always telling their chelas that they were not doing enough, that so much more needed to be done. There were not enough hours in the day or days in the week to accomplish all the Masters asked us to do. There was the Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday church services. And then if you thought that was enough, there was the Tuesday for El Morya's day and decrees to him, or the special services for the 23rd of the month and the study groups on Thursday, and maybe you might have an evening free a week to do something you wanted to do. Then there was the morning decrees that were recommended to start at 5 a.m. Well, if you slept in, there was the guilt for not rising above your sleepiness or getting to bed early enough to get up each morning. Plus I had a family to raise.

Then there was the surrender. There was always something more that you needed to surrender. There was the alcohol, chocolate, sweets, red meat and pork, dairy products, caffeine, rock music, red and black clothes—and riding a motorcycle, something I had done in my first marriage. You were always learning about some other facet of life everyone else thought was normal to do and have, and you learn in the Teachings that these things were really not a creation of God or a part of God.

One could choose to surrender these things or not. Some standards were a part of different levels of the Teachings, and inner organizations had higher commitments where you would vow to not do some of these things of the world. But even if you only became part of the outer organizations, such as the Summit Lighthouse and Keepers of the Flame, and you continued to do certain things, you often were judged and condemned by other members of the Church.

So for those who had any propensity for guilt, this organization would bring it out. But there were many people who simply did what they chose and ignored what they did not want to surrender or do. But they were often seen as the rebellious ones. So there were many levels of individuals in the Teachings, as there are many levels of states of consciousness.

I personally chose to give my life to doing all I could to obey the requests of the Masters. I was not successful in many areas of my life because I was a working mother and at one period a single mom. So I had plenty of room to feel guilty on what I was not doing or surrendering.  But I covered it over so that very few knew how I felt inside or what I was or was not doing. I was too ashamed to share my faults and inabilities to be perfect with even my closest friends.

So when I finally learned to listen within and allow El Morya to direct me personally, he started first with this flaw in me. And what he did was constantly be at my side directing me. The Teachings taught we each had a Christ self and my Christ self appeared to communicate with me on my right side and El Morya would be on my left. If I went out to garden, there they were telling me I could be decreeing or doing something more worthwhile. If I went shopping there they were telling me I really needed to purchase this and not purchase that. If I went to ride my horses, there they were telling me I needed to be doing something else.

Eventually I felt like I was selfish wanting to do anything for myself, and that I just needed to surrender everything and just do nothing but work for God in service for others. I felt wrong in doing anything I liked to do or doing something only I could derive pleasure from. So I knew all I could do was totally surrender to God’s will, which will seemed to be something outside myself that knew better than myself what I should do.

And so the days went by and the walls of my world came in around me closer and closer. This process took about a month. I trusted my Christ self and El Morya more than I trusted myself. I felt they knew better than I what I needed and I felt guilty for not complying with their direction. So I tried to do my best to follow every direction they gave until the walls were closing in around me. Then in a final surrender I decided to give up everything I loved doing for myself and the first place I would start with was with my horses. I would sell them because if I couldn’t ride them anymore there was no point in keeping them.

So I wrote up an advertisement for the newspapers and I picked up the phone to call the ad in. But before I could dial the number, there was El Morya. All he said to me was, “You don’t have to do that.” And then I knew. I understood everything that had happened and why. And I let go of the shame and guilt. I knew I had been doing what I was doing not out of the love of God, and God's will, but out of the shame and guilt. I was serving God because I felt I had to. Yes, I wanted to serve, but not to the point of losing myself, my will and being. Yet I was willing to do that because I felt ashamed in not doing so.

I never received any words or explanation about that experience from any master. I didn’t need any. Everything was said in the experience I had that had far more power to change me than anyone explaining to me what my problem was. In my youth my mother contributed to my feelings of guilt because she was a martyr. We had daily and weekly chores and we certainly contributed to the household responsibilities. Yet if I was done with my chores and went to read a book, if my mother passed by me and saw me not working, I felt guilty that she was still working and I was not helping her. I don’t know if she sent out those thoughts to us or I created it myself. Yet I do know that she often thought of us as a burden to her if my sister and I were not working and she was, rather than seeing us as a gift from heaven. So I developed this sense of guilt if I was not always contributing to the household in a positive way or I was a burden to my mother—and then later in my life—a burden to anyone.

Yet there was still another level to the guilt that I would have to address. I wanted to give something to the children in our community and I decided I would bring my horse over to the Mayfair and give free rides to the children. I brought over my older mare, as she was calmer for the small children. She was very nice for several hours and I gave what seemed to be hundreds of rides as I walked up and down the area with a child sitting on her back. But as the afternoon wore on, the typical winds of the valley began to pick up.

My mare was blind in one eye and she began to get nervous from the noises the wind made and not being able to see where all the movement was around her. While a very small child was on her back, a gust of wind came and she spun around in fear, throwing the baby off her back. I was truly remorseful that this happened, and thanked God the baby was all right. But what happened next shocked me to my core. The father railed into me for my negligence for allowing this to happen. I apologized and told the rest of the children in line that I must take the horse home now and I got on her back and rode off. I was filled with guilt and shame. I felt like I had done the most terrible thing to put this child’s life in danger. And I could not shake the guilt.

As I was riding home I heard who I believed was El Morya say to me, "Why do you feel guilty? You have done nothing wrong." I felt miserable that I had endangered a child's life. Yet if I was the parent allowing my child to ride someone else's horse I would have taken full responsibility for the incident, not placing the blame on the horse or the owner. Any horse owner or person of knowledge about horses knows of their unpredictability and the dangers of being around them. But we don’t blame our horses for their behavior, but understand their fears and rebellious behavior and work with them to alleviate the cause of those fears. Guilt was the result of my being too responsible, taking responsibility for things I should not have. I obviously could not be at the head of the horse leading and also at the side of the horse holding the child in the saddle. That would have been the parent's responsibility.

It was also his anger that was unleashed on me that was not right. Sometimes we believe we deserve someone's anger, but that is never true. Anger is never justified. So I let the guilt go. I did not accept into my being what was put upon me by someone who had no control over their anger and did not know how to be grateful for the gift I brought to these children and tried to bring to his child.

So those years while I was training for my kinesiology, and then while I had my practice, I was also being inwardly healed. Yes, there was the Christ working with me, but who were the other voices? And was the Christ, Jesus? With the Summit belief in Christ is within each one of us, I never thought it was Jesus, but a part of the universal Christ Jesus was one with. I had what appeared to be hundreds of these inner communications and sometimes profound experiences because of them. Every one made me a better person, wiser, more compassionate, understanding and giving. I cannot look back over those years and experiences and find any that caused another harm, or to myself. Some may disagree with me, as I was disliked, hated or envied by a few. I could not understand why—at first. It would take me years of being in the public eye to understand why.

Being as my nature was to be kind, although often quiet and shy, I couldn’t figure out why people would need to criticize me behind my back. I use to have this prayer that I said every morning before I began my healing work with clients. I would pray to the Elohim Astrea and Cyclopea to cut me free from the dark forces and bad habits and to help me see what I was not seeing about myself. I also asked Cyclopea to expose any treachery against me. Astrea represented the purity of God and would cut you free from impurity if you asked. Cyclopea was the Elohim of truth and healing. He was represented as the All-seeing Eye of God. Therefore he could reveal to you things unknown about yourself or situations, because he could see everything.

What came to me was amazing via this or that person because of my calls. I would frequently have someone tell me gossip about myself, unsolicited by me, that they had heard this or that about me. And none of the gossip was good! But my intention was to know what was being said and then turn it over to the Elohim for adjudication and transmutation by the Elohim Arcturus and Victoria, who were the Elohim of the violet flame and transmutation of all that is unreal. This gossip went on long after I left the spiritual community I lived in. It was amazing to hear even a year or two after I left!

Jesus said, "If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also. But all these things will they do unto you for my name's sake, because they know not him that sent me" (John 15:18-21).

So I was at peace. Some of the criticism and gossip came from jealousy because I often dared to do things other students wanted to do but would not do because of their fears. Others came from malicious people who opposed me. Still others I exposed their egos by talking with them and pointing out their ungodly acts when I would become aware of incidences where they were hurting others.

Schism in the Church and New Messengers
After Elizabeth Prophet's retirement my email box was constantly filled with gossip and accusations about her, and complaints about the Church leadership and what they were doing, or about this or that splinter group splitting apart from the Summit Lighthouse or claiming to be messengers, and basically a power struggle ensued for the control of the Teachings. The new Summit leadership seemed hell-bent on destroying anyone who appeared to oppose their leadership, or had any leadership prior to the messenger's retirement. While we watched in surprise and disappointment, the new leadership went from teaching center to teaching center around the world, and ousted the old leadership and put in new ones. No amount of complaining or action stopped them.

They rewrote the bylaws to restrict participation of members and retain power in a council of ministers and group of twenty-four elders. They got control and have kept it ever since. Many of us believed that they were fallen angels who took control to stop the true teachings from being delivered, as they were printing many of their own books, or reprinting the original books. Greed was there as well, as they were paying themselves high salaries. One of the presidents tried to get a job in editorial so she could write new books that later came out.  The editorial team who had been trained by Elizabeth refused her for her lack of skills. That was no problem for the Board. Shortly after almost all of the editorial team were fired and in moved the presidents as head and manager of the editorial department.


Gilbert Cleirbaut was President of CUT from 1996 to 1999. Without the messenger to support him and the executive board, they were subject to the Board of Directors control and opposition. Although Cleirbaut officially resigned, the rumor was that he was ousted. He simply had no choice but to resign as he was disempowered by the Board. They also renounced his membership as a Keeper of the Flame. A sure sign they were casting him off not only from the Presidency, but from all contact with the Church.

Following Cleibaut's resignation, the Board met with resistance from the Teaching Centers and study groups. Cleirbaut had been supporting the Teaching Centers with his reenergizing process. The idea was that the “Mother” (ECP) was taken out of power to control everything and now the students were empowered to become the Christ and work together as a body of God. Some ChurchTeaching Centers and study groups were prospering after the financial and spiritual fiasco of the shelter cycle. One of the big bone of contentions with the Board was Cleibaut’s vision that the Teachings were to be globalized. The Board said St. Germain’s vision was for America to be the only sponsored country and they were not about to let other nations share in being a part of a larger vision of St. Germain.

Splinter groups were soliciting Keepers of the Flame and many students were leaving the Church. Then Cleibaut founded a group called Launching Loving Legacies. The mission was community building based on brotherly love and giving back to society. He even took messages from Mother Mary. But it did not last long. The Board demanded the Teaching Centers to have no contact with him or receive penalties from the Church. Cleibaut could not find work in Canada because of his background with the “cult” and so he was forced to moved back to Belgium and that ended his Loving Legacies.

The new leadership had no contact from the masters and they wanted zero input from the groups and Teaching Centers. They also wanted no new messenger. They wanted complete control. All the people who had been well liked by the study groups and Teaching Centers, who were kind, caring people with many spiritual gifts to bring, left the Church, or were forced out by the Board to end their associations with the groups because the Board had control over them and ordered them to not have any contact with certain people or allow them in with their contributions. Some of these people started new groups, others just disappeared.

The Board forced many leaders of the groups to resign who were longtime members of the Church, even CUT ministers. When the Board split the Moscow Study Group, the largest outside of America, that was the last straw for many. By 2003 the divisions within all the Teaching Centers were complete. The Board had complete control. The Board elected three presidents to replace Cleirbaut. In 2001 they were down to two presidents, retaining one of the first three presidents. Today there is one. In 2004 the Ministerial Council changed the Ministerial Covenant by unilaterally adding a provision that gave themselves power over all of the other ministers in the Church. Those who would not agree were dismissed as ministers.

Elizabeth Prophet had tried to train her son, Sean, and later her daughter, Erin, to be messengers. Both became disillusioned with the Teachings because of their personal association with their mother as messenger and leader, vs. their mother as their parent. They saw behind the scenes what few others witnessed and they were completely turned away from the reality of "masters" and the path by their experiences showing their parent's inconsistency with the spiritual laws and tenants, as well as hiding secrets (such as ECP's sexual immoral acts and her epilepsy) to not only the community, but to her own children. Sean even became so disillusioned he became an atheist. His parents had claimed in a dictation he was an embodied Buddha, and if that were true it would make sense he would turn away from a Christian God, but he also turned away from anything Buddhist.

Life in Utah
After I received direction from El Morya to move to Utah I also had a most profound experience with what I believed was my Christ self. The Elohim were helping me prepare to move but I could not convince my husband that the direction I received was real. Sometimes the Elohim would come to me and say, “You know you need to be in Utah by November,” gently reminding me I had to start preparing and planning to get there on schedule to meet spiritual obligations. I started to pack behind my husband’s back, as it would be a big job to move. I was torn in what to do with heaven pushing me to get matters started and my husband refusing to get started. 

One day I broke down in tears out of sorrow and frustration, when I suddenly felt a presence around me. Simultaneously I heard a voice which said, "I AM here! Thus sayeth the Lord." And I felt a touch upon my cheek like a caress. And I knew that everything would be okay. I believed it was the Christ. It was so comforting that I gathered the strength to go on and prayed daily for help in getting my husband to agree to the move. El Morya took care of that. He had me ask some pertinent questions to my husband about his life and future and then he quickly saw that moving to Utah would be a good move and change in his life—whereupon he suddenly was on board with me.

We first rented a house with a six month lease at the end of 1997. A month before the lease was up I received the inner direction to look for a house to buy. Within a few days we had found the house, the first one we looked at. Then we received notice we had to be out of our house by the end of the lease so they could put their house back on the market. I felt blessed that heaven had given us the direction so we would be not only prepared but settled in our new home in time. My husband and I eventually left the Summit Lighthouse a few years after moving to Utah and failing to find nearby Summit students in our area, and also due to the new leadership and schisms within the church. We did not leave officially. We first tried putting on lectures, but in Mormon country we had zero success. I could not even find clients to work on, even with advertising. Once the Mormons find out you are not a part of their church they won't do any socialization or business with you. About eighty percent of the people in our town were Mormons. We were the outcasts.

Both my husband and I changed after our move, we started to develop our own paths, seemingly together in communicating with the Teachings and receiving messages from the masters, but also separate in what we each believed about that communication and the true path. We each prayed and decreed separate from each other because we each had our own type of decrees that we did and not at the same time of day. We also became celibate, something El Morya directed through me we do. It was painful as my husband moved out of our bedroom and would never hug or kiss me, trying to avoid any desires that might follow. So I was bereft of any physical touch and shared love between us.

When I crossed over the Utah border traveling there to live I heard the words, "We are the ascended masters three." I just knew they were not of the light. I had never gotten false hierarchy, or impostors of the masters before. As I exclaimed to El Morya one day, shortly upon arriving in Utah, "I can't hear you very well," he reminded me, "Raise your consciousness." Sure enough, that was the only way to get above the din of the heavy energies and what I felt were astral vibrations. I realized the Mormon religion and the entire state carried this false hierarchy vibration. Joseph Smith claimed he heard the angel Moroni give him messages. I studied their religion and do not believe there was any angel of God by that name, nor that Joseph Smith was honest, or that their beliefs are of God truth. Thus I was to learn about spirits that were not from God while living in that state.

I had previously written Elizabeth Prophet explaining that I was hearing the masters and could she verify my inner work. I received back a letter from staff stating all these things you should do to protect yourself, something I had already been doing. So the answer was no help. Just months before Elizabeth's retirement due to Alzheimer disease, I wrote another letter. This one against my will. I was doing my morning decrees when her supposed twin flame, ascended master Lanello, prompted me with a message he said to give to his twin flame. I obediently wrote his words down. He was requesting me to send Guru Ma a suggestion for her healing. I was traumatized by the request, torn between obedience and common sense. I asked myself many questions. You do not send your messenger messages. What if this was a false hierarchy? If it wasn't, and I did not send the message, wasn't I being disobedient?

I sent it with the pull to follow divine direction that was greater than my fear of the consequences. And what followed changed the course of my life. I received a letter from her—or from her staff, since her mind was seriously effected by that time. She said I was not hearing my Higher Self or the Masters and I seriously needed a lot of healing! Considering the years of healing work I had done on myself, that did not compute as possible, especially with El Morya's work with me. Yet if the messenger said so, who was I to know better than her. The floor dropped from underneath my feet, and within days I broke my foot tripping on a step. I had never broken a bone in my entire life, and later as I looked back I realized it was the outpicturing into the physical of my inner turmoil. My foundation had been ripped out from under me where I was reduced to having to hobble around on one foot for many weeks.

At first I found it easier to crawl around the house to get from one place to another. Eventually I could put a little weight on my foot and balance myself to hobble around the house. But I learned to walk from my knees up. So as I learned to crawl on my knees, and then to hobble on one foot until I gained my balance in walking on two feet again I simultaneously built a solid foundation of trust in who I was spiritually and my connection to God both figuratively and literally.

Wanting to be obedient to the truth, to the Will of God I immediately decided to obey my outer guru and not listen to any more inner promptings. It was difficult, to say the least. So I told the masters they weren't real, but were impostors—or at least Guru Ma said they weren't real—and I could not listen to them anymore. For days, for months, the signals on my ear and inner promptings continued but I ignored them or I calmly told the signals to go away, that even if you are the real Masters, I can't listen to you.

Yet somehow I knew within myself that this could not be right. Within two weeks or less of receiving this letter from the messenger/staff, I knew something was basically wrong with this direction. One thing that came to me many years later was the comment made to me from my employer seven years earlier and his comment to me I mentioned in a previous article. Guru Ma had asked him to ask me if she was communicating with the real masters. It seems she must have forgot that she believed I was hearing El Morya back then!

Looking back over my years of healing, I had personally witnessed the experience of the Holy Spirit and Light flowing through my body during healing sessions. I had heard the words that when repeated brought healing. I had heard inner direction that when I followed it, saved me from bodily harm or worse. I had moved to Utah on those words I heard! But nevertheless, I would cease listening regardless. But in my heart I began to connect with that which was real in me. I was healing the fear and building a new firm foundation of truth not on what someone else said, but on what I believed from the inner core of reality within me.

Co-dependent on the Guru and the Dark Night of the Soul
One day I was doing a healing session on myself when I received through the session that I was being selfish. I knew what those words meant. I knew I needed to start again, I needed to connect to that inner still voice that I knew was real and allow the inner listening once again.

Shortly before I stopped listening, "El Morya" had said to me, "You are co-dependent on the Guru!" and he was gone. I barely gave it a thought until years later. I was "Miss Independent", how could I be co-dependent on anyone or any Guru? Yet the problem was that since I started in a Guru/chela relationship I had put aside my own innate knowing, thinking it wasn’t a part of the Guru/chela relationship where I had to obey everything the Guru said (as I had with the earlier explanation of feeling boxed in), even if it went against my inner knowing. This was what I had to break, and this letter to Guru Ma—prompted by my inner relationship with the Guru—was going to teach me this most important step on the Path.

Many chelas of the Ascended Masters did become co-dependent. Many would not move without an okay from their messenger/guru. They would not marry, have children, write a book, go to college, etc. without writing or calling for approval from the messenger. Those on staff had to get permission for everything. Even how often they had sex. So that pattern spread to the outer community. Some thought Guru Ma should make every major decision for us.

While I appeared to make all my decisions on my own, I still wrote to the messenger wanting her confirmation on my inner hearing. There is where I made my mistake. No one can tell you if you are connected with God or not. I had to see the fruits of my own actions to know whether I was listening to a voice of God or impostors. Once I determined that if I was to listen within again I knew I had to change my actions and responses. I finally got it. I understood there had to be a balance in this inner and outer Guru relationship. But how was I to trust the inner knowing over the outer Guru who knew so much more than I?

The years in the Teachings was a very difficult period because I had swung from being entirely independent through my mid-twenties, to becoming entirely dependent on spiritual direction from the Masters and their messengers/Guru. Whereas I never had a problem with what I knew as right to do in life, I had turned to wanting to be perfectly right by following all their spiritual direction and almost completely disregarding all that I knew inside myself as right. I had put aside my own wisdom, thinking that being a follower and obedient student to the masters was the most important thing on the path.

When I started tentatively listening again I did not do something because I was told to, or from blind obedience. There was, and is, a balance, where God has given us free will to make our own decisions, but we cannot discount God's direction all together. We must be always willing to listen to the voice of God and then use our Christ discernment to make the best and right decisions in alignment with God Good. We find the voice of God in the Bible, through our preachers and spiritual leaders (if they have the Holy Spirit), and even within our own heart when we purify our hearts and pray.

It wasn't until several years after I started listening again that I realized what I had been through had a name. My husband and I had been directed to read Mother Teresa's posthumous autobiography, Come Be My Light, a collection of private letters written to her confessor, where she reveals her interior suffering for 40 years, which many believe was her experiencing a dark night. I was already aware of the dark night of the soul from St. John of the Cross and his poem also posthumously published after his death about his own experience being imprisoned and tortured. The Ascended Master teachings also taught about the dark nights, but it had not registered what I was going through was a dark night until after I came out the other side. I wrote in another article written in two parts, the first on the dark night of the soul and the second on the dark night of the spirit, about my experience through those dark nights, and why we can look forward to it, however painful it is while going through it.

In order to come to the faith in your inner guidance that is really one with the etheric guidance, the soul enters the dark night of the spirit. You must prove to God that you want God more than you want to possess anything in this world, be it people or possessions or wanting to be accepted by others or receive their approval. In order to see you through this dark night, you must be willing to trust your inner relationship with God, with Jesus the Christ, where there is nothing between you and God. Not decrees, prayer, rituals, other's opinions or expectations, society's fads, or even as "ascended master" communication, if you believed in heavenly Spirits communicating with you.

You also may need to surrender every ritual or way of living that you have been taught was "right" to bring you closer to God. You have to be willing to give all to God and allow God to give you back what is real and right. You have to surrender control of your life and have that total faith that God is in control of yours. And you have to wait, not wavering in wanting anything back until he deems you are ready. If you seek to get anything back or get impatient, you will not receive back that which is real. And you will not have let go of control.

At the beginning of the dark night, I had made the decision to throw out everything anyone had ever said I needed to do and be. I would only do what I wanted to do, not what someone told me to do. And slowly, from there, I built a foundation of what I wanted to do for and in God. And I ended up bringing back into my life many of the things I was told to do, not because I was told I should, but because I wanted to, because I knew it was right in God and right for me. I learned at that point to never accept “shoulds” in my life, like “you should not”, or  “I should…” I do something for the love of God, or I don’t do it. So I began to decree using the Summit Lighthouse decrees because I loved giving them, and I felt closer to God every morning giving my spiritual rituals.

This dark night is an inner experience. No one knows what you are experiencing because it is not visible. You cannot tell anyone why you know something is right to do, like putting aside my inner communication while knowing they were real experiences with the Holy Spirit.  This dark night can also take as long or as short as you need to finally surrender every drop of control and desire to be anything but right with God. Then one day you will find there is God speaking to you in your heart having taken total control of your Being because your will has totally merged with His Will. This dark night for me lasted over a two-year period, although when you are going through it you do not realize that is what you are experiencing.

Training to Be a Messenger
After my dark night experience I began a new course, but I did not know for almost another two years what that course really was. I thought I was being trained to be a healer. While the Summit was going through its divisions and having no messenger, I was being guided to become a messenger myself by learning about people outside the Teachings and its students, and by writing books that were dictated by different masters. I never shared those materials, as their purpose was to prepare me for taking dictations and attuning with heaven, although I did not know it at the time. I was inwardly guided how to not only heal my own soul, but help others heal theirs. Thus I began to learn how to really tune into this other world I believed was some part of heaven.

I will share more of those experiences in my next article and how I became a messenger for these "masters".